Aloha, Bachelorette lovers! This week’s episode confirmed that poor Jillian is reality TV’s answer to Job. She’s been lied to, abandoned, had her feet molested by a P(ervert) — and now, she’s been rejected by a suitor’s penis. But much like that aforementioned Biblical figure, Jillian continues to bear the suffering with a truly astounding resilience.
Perhaps the change of scenery has buoyed her spirits. Now that she and the three remaining bachelors have moved on to Maui, marriage is on her mind ”constantly… I’m hoping that someone up there, or someone in here [gestures to heart] will tell me what decision I’m supposed to make.” Bad news, honey: God is too concerned about who’s getting the next HOH on Big Brother to bother with your problems, so you’ll have to rely on the little Canadian inside your rib cage to help you figure it out.
Dolphin squeal! It’s date time, and there’s Kipper waiting for her on the other side of a suspension bridge. Once again Jillian’s planned a date that involves dangling high above the ground: they’re doing a ropes course, a decision that the Bachelorette quickly seems to regret. She needs constant encouragement from Kiptyn — which she gets by repeatedly demanding that he kiss her — before she can complete any portion of the course. The final leg of their adventure is called the ”Leap of Faith” (sorry, Team Bachelorette, but that’s a little too on-the-nose). It involves jumping off a ”totem pole,” as Jillian insists on calling it, and trying to grab a trapeze several feet away. As whiny as she gets (”Can you promise you’ll give me a big kiss when you get to the bottom?”), Jillian still manages to make the leap — and though she misses the trapeze by about 15 feet, I’ve got to say I’m impressed. No way in hell I would have even gotten up on the pole.
With that out of the way, it’s time to move on to the real question, as posed by Harrison during the commercial tease: ”Jillian is falling for Kiptyn, but is she ready to give him her all?” (Key: ”all” = ”vagina.”) Before she gives it ”all” up, though, Jillian needs something from Kiptyn: ”I keep on asking you about this one thing you can’t answer… You have to have one flaw.” Here’s one: His mom. Here’s another one: His smug-ass face. Of course, though, his response is totally jokey: ”When I go dancing, big flaw.” Jillian presses him for something serious, and Kipper cites his ”low patience” and that he’s had ”one foot in, one foot out” in relationships in the past. (Fear of commitment? That is so dreamy!) That said, Kip promises he won’t break her heart: ”I would never want to hurt you.” And she LOVES it. Jillian pulls The Card out of her napkin, or something, and there’s no doubt she’s hot to trot: ”I think we need this time.” Oh hey, look! The Giant Red Bed followed the Bachelorette from Spain to Maui! After some chaste making out on the GRB, Kipper closes the shutters in our faces. How rude!
It’s another sunshiny day in Hawaii as Jillian greets Reid for date No. 2. No dolphin squeal this time, perhaps because she has reservations about her messy-haired paramour: ”I need him to think about how he feels and just communicate it with me, whatever it is.” (Oh so his big heartfelt revelation that ”I think we’re very similar” from last week wasn’t good enough?) They meet up and have the same conversation they’ve been having since day one.
Jillian: ”What do you want to do?”
Reid: ”Make out.”
Yep, that about sums this relationship up.
NEXT: Reid’s reply is hazy, so Jillian tries again