I’m going to call it now: Most dramatic final rose ceremony ever! I felt real feelings. I cried more than once. Strangest of all, I liked these people. All of them. I was overwhelmed with goodwill, in fact. If they didn’t keep showing the little Bachelorette logo, with the silhouette of Ali looking ponderously into the distance, I would’ve worried I was watching the wrong show. Which would have really irritated me, since I spent three hours on it.
Wow, where to begin? With the way the show defied the bazillions of varying spoilers out there? (Well done, Bachelorette rumor-spreading team!) The way we couldn’t really deny that it ended well, even if it wasn’t the outcome we’d been rooting for? The way we’re kinda hoping, and kinda not, that this cinches who’ll be our next Bachelor?
I suppose we’ll start at the beginning, instead…
Meeting the Parents
Roberto, looking extra distractingly hot, charmed Ali’s family — Mom, Dad, sister Raya and poor, little, mostly silent brother Mike — right away. It was all, Oh, we liked each other right away, there was an instant connection, I taught her to salsa dance, I gave him the First Impression rose, blah blah. We moved easily onto the portion of the proceedings wherein her brother and sister took him outside for a talking to while Ali continued to gush to her parents about Roberto: ”I’m a little hyper,” she said. ”He brings me to a peaceful place.”
Then he essentially sealed the deal during his talk with Mom: ”Whatever it is you’ve done from Day 1, from when you stepped out of the limo until now, is what makes her happy,” Mom said, her voice catching with tears. ”I can’t contain the joy of this whole experience. I’m just so happy for her.” Oh my God, then she told him in Spanish, ”I believe that your heart is pure.” I know technically Roberto still had to ask her Dad’s permission or whatever, but Dad’s permission overall seemed pretty flimsy. This bit with her mom was where — and I don’t mind using clichés to describe this show, since it’s one long parade of them — the die was cast. He totally won. Anyway, sure enough, the Dad talk went swell, and Dad said, by way of blessing, ”I think you’re a great guy, so I don’t see a problem with that.” The real gold was in the fact that Roberto clearly said he loved her and that he was ”thinking long-term” when it came to his relationship with her. The Bachelorette producers, if not Roberto himself, had done their best thus far to make us think he might not be as into her as she was into him, but this started to give it away.
Then they all salsa danced together, of course, because, I don’t know if you guys noticed this yet, but Roberto knows how to salsa dance.
NEXT: Chris, learn some moves!