As Raymond Chandler once wrote, To say goodbye to a season of The Bachelorette is to watch your soul die a little—and this season, rose lovers, is no exception. But don’t worry; if you still have some soul left, Bachelor in Paradise starts next week, and that should take care of it.
“This is actually happening.” That’s damn right, Nick, and you better put your big boy pants on, because you’re about to meet Andi’s parents, Patti and—dun dun DUNNN—Hy, a.k.a. the dad most likely to make a putz like you pee your pants. “You look a little nervous,” booms Hy by way of greeting. Adds Patti, “He seemed a little reserved.” (Except for the fact that he’s showing way too much baby-smooth chest—button up your Henley, you jackass!)
When he sits down with Patti, though, Nick vomits out so many professions of love for her daughter—”I mean, I love her in ways that I never thought I’d love somebody before”—mama can’t help but get emotional. “Stop saying that! You’re making me cry,” she chides Nick through tears. Andi’s sister Rachel, though, seems over the whole thing already. As the Bachelorette gushes about how Nick “sees my entire self” and “makes me feel like a woman,” Rachel’s all “mmm-hmmm,” “yeah,” “[non-committal ‘I’m listening’ sound].” Hy, as usual, maintains his intimidating poker face as Nick stutters out a request for his daughter’s hand in marriage. “I would really like your permission to do that,” mumbles Nick, blushing and giggling like the schmuck that he is. While it may have been the magic of Team Bachelorette’s editing, I prefer to believe that Hy did, in fact, stare at Nick in stony silence for six full seconds before offering a reserved endorsement.
Would you like to date our next Bachelor or Bachelorette? Then you need your f—ing head examined.
Another day, another potential life partner. When Andi tells the family that Josh is a former “pro” athlete but not a player, Hy isn’t buying it. “She says it’s different,” he harrumphs. That suspicion soon turns to bemusement, though, when Josh walks in sporting a plastered-on smile and the silky sheen of full-body perspiration. “He is so nervous,” reports Hy, chuckling gruffly. “This poor guy doesn’t have a prayer!” Patti agrees, looking askance at the “loud guy” flop sweating all over her little girl. Rachel continues to be a reluctant participant in her sister’s “journey” to find “love”; after her sit-down with Josh she grudgingly provides Team Bachelorette with the quasi-approval soundbite they need: “I do think he’s taking it seriously,” she reports. “At least, I hope he’s taking it seriously.”
Oh, don’t you worry, missy—Hy will make damn sure of that. After Josh confesses that he’s “totally in love” with Andi, dad counters, “No concerns about this being a camp romance?” The show, continues Hy, “is not the everyday life. It’s not coming home from work and somebody being in a bad mood because they had a bad day.” (No, I am not going to point out that Hy pronounced “Versailles” as “ver-sal,” because he is awesome and can mangle the name of any French city he wants.) Josh stays calm—or calm-ish; he’s still talking 100 miles a minute—during this exchange and manages to ask Hy for his blessing without collapsing into a quivering pile of goo like Nick.
NEXT: Nick gives the worst toast ever