Samantha Highfill
June 08, 2016 AT 02:40 PM EDT

I’d like to tell you all a story: It’s a story about a young boy named Brian, who dreamt of growing up and sculpting the perfect bicep. Somewhere along the way he decided to go by his equally common middle name, Chad, and become the kind of guy who thinks of life scenarios as if they’re protein shakes. Now, Chad’s a man, and he’s never lost sight of his goal. To this day, he works tirelessly so that one day, he will be able to do a pull-up holding his own body weight, and only then will he have achieved success.

The bad news for Chad? Creating the perfect bicep can come at a cost, and turns out, there are a lot of men who don’t like roid rage as much as he does, so when Chris Harrison tells him to settle things with the guys, he instead threatens to sever their limbs. Yet somehow, by the time Chad reaches the house, he realizes his wrongdoing.

Working up the courage to apologize, Chad sweetly tells Derek, “You’re a good guy, I’m sure, probably.” He then tells Evan to leave him alone and they’ll be good. So obviously this guy studied apologizing in college.

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When Evan requests a real apology and a new shirt, Chad offers him $20 — a smack in the face to that burgundy T-shirt, if you ask me — and once again defends his actions by claiming that Evan pushed him first. And when it’s clear no good is going to come out of this conversation, Wells steps in to explain things to Chad, second-smallest-guy-in-the-house to biggest-guy-in-the-house. As Wells tells him, the issue is that people feel uneasy in a space where they should feel comfortable.

And when Chad can’t seem to understand how that’s his problem, James T. is there to settle things: If everyone leaves Chad alone, he will return the favor. Now can we have a pool party … please?

By the time JoJo arrives, she’s ready to leave the drama behind and enjoy a day full of abs. What she isn’t prepared for is blood. No, Chad doesn’t punch anyone. It’s just Evan being Evan and getting a bloody nose after diving into the pool. Suddenly, I feel like we’re getting an all-too-real glimpse at Evan’s childhood.

As Chad puts it, “Apparently Evan just bleeds thinking about me.” (If Chad’s major was apologizing, his minor was definitely biology.)

Pulling Jordan aside, JoJo is all about getting some one-on-one time with her favorite football player. But there’s one thing that bothers JoJo about Jordan. He’s almost too smooth, which makes her worry that it’s too good to be true. He promises her that it’s all very genuine and she gives it up for now so that she can go splash some water on Daniel and cause him to have a mild heart attack.

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Then there’s Robby, who claims everything is happening so fast, and Chad, who’s back to eating by the pool. At least until JoJo pulls him away and says what we’re all thinking: “Man, you’re lathered up.” If we listed Chad’s top five favorite things in life, they would be…

1. Steroids

2. Protein shakes

3. Lunch meats

4. Oil

5. Sweet potatoes

When JoJo recalls how she was mad at Chad on the group date for disrespecting her decision to give Evan the rose, he tries to explain himself. Key word: tries. In his words, if JoJo likes Evan, there’s no place for him because they’re at opposite ends of the universal man spectrum. It’s like figuring out what restaurant you want to eat at, you know? Do you want ice cream or steak?

So, in this scenario, are ice cream and steak two opposite ends of a spectrum? And which one is Chad?

NEXT: Chad vs. Derek

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