Phil first greeted Mike — who, let’s remember, he probably assumed was dead or at the very least never making it back to Earth — by physically punching him in the nuts, and he doesn’t treat his long-gone little brother any better following that reunion. Actually, he’s a full-out friggin’ jerk once he realizes that Mike’s getting more attention than he is.
See, Mike is the cool brother. He’s the one who went to space and who got with Christine, Phil’s onetime crush. As Phil explains to the rest of the Tucson crew, “I had liked this woman quite a bit, and then Mike fooled around with her.” Apparently Mike left for space right after, meaning the two never had a chance to make up. If Mike did know that Phil indeed loved Christine, it was pretty messed up of him to get physical with her, but at the same time, that is not worth keeping a years-long grudge over — especially when the offender is literally the last family you have left on Earth.
But, as we know, Phil’s strong suit isn’t rationality, and, as we find out, Mike loves to push his brother’s buttons. He reveals to the group that Phil’s nickname used to be Skidmark because, well, he allegedly always had skidmarks in his underwear. (For what it’s worth, Phil later rips off a pair of underwear he’s wearing to reveal they are poop-free.) Everyone quickly takes to the nickname, including Carol: “There’s my sexy skidmark!” she coos before getting in bed with him. It does sound kinda cute when she says it like that, though.
Once they’re in bed, they finally talk about Phil’s confession that he’s shooting blanks. Carol theorizes that she could be infertile as well, a possibility Phil immediately shoots down. “I’m sure you’re fertile,” he says. “I mean, you have so many periods.” I don’t think that’s how it works, but, hey, whatever they need to tell themselves to believe that one day she’ll produce Baby Carol (or Baby…Carl?). This makes Phil worried about his place with Carol until she reassures him that she married him (the second time, at least) because she wanted to be with him. These two are simultaneously the weirdest and most adorable couple on TV.
NEXT: Mike gets musical