Phil and Carol are married. They’ve had sex — tons of it. They’ve fought and made up; they’ve traveled across the country and back. And yet, they haven’t said “I love you” to each other. That just goes to show how terrifying saying those three words is: These two have been through hell — remember that whole virus that knocked out, oh, basically everyone? — and back, but even that didn’t make them tough enough to easily verbalize that they do, indeed, love each other. Or maybe they’re just that immature. I mean, we are talking about Phil, the same guy who calls his wife’s vagina “privates” like he’s a 10-year-old.
This all comes up because Carol asked Todd to be their sperm donor, which he agrees to, and Phil’s cool with it (for a little bit, at least — more on that later). But Carol will only have sex with Todd if they’re married, so it’s time for her to tie the knot once again. When Phil tells Mike this, they both agree that they love her for being so old-fashioned — and that’s when it comes out that Phil hasn’t actually told her that he loves her yet. Mike is, like the rest of us, shocked. But then again, Phil and Carol’s relationship — or anything about this show, really — hasn’t been exactly conventional, so is it that surprising?
Because this whole situation isn’t bonkers enough as is, Phil also decides to officiate Carol and Todd’s wedding. They gather near the water as everyone else watches on, groaning the whole time. Everything’s going just fine until Phil asks for objections. Maybe Gail will speak up? Or Melissa? But, nope: It’s Phil. He decided he wants Mike — with whom he spends much of the episode singing Once’s “Falling Slowly,” just like all brothers do — to be the sperm donor, with Mike being his family and all. Also, he reveals that Mike’s middle name is Shelby. Mr. and Mrs. Miller killed the naming game.
Todd claims he’s not upset, though he totally visibly is. Damnit, he’s probably thinking, I was about to have boned three out of four of the women here. Gail’s just annoyed, so she goes to — where else? — the bar as Carol and Mike exchange vows. Later, the newlyweds exchange laughter and flirty touches as they try to get to know each other. “Oh, Tandy, what the hell have you done?” Phil asks himself. Doesn’t seem like such a bright idea anymore, huh, Tandy?
NEXT: Operation Pregnancy begins