Jodi Walker
December 31, 2015 AT 12:18 AM EST

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Current Status
In Season

If you’re just looking for a quick snapshot of Tuesday’s RHOBH episode, might I recommend the second scene wherein Lisa Vanderpump enters her backyard talking about “watery poop” and then her husband Ken promptly picks up a swan by the neck and marches him into a waiting SUV? Apparently, dear Hanky’s bowels are a little irritable. Lisa wonders if she can’t just “give him some Imodium and plug that feathery butt up,” which is what I’ve been saying about Ken for years, but in Hanky’s case, a visit to the vet is necessary. And you know what they say — when your swan is shitting everywhere, make sure you manhandle him as much as possible!

Ah, yes, watery poop, a rare glimpse inside Lisa Rinna’s internal cavities, and last-will-and-testament presentations inside prized lemon orchards … these truly are the days of our lives. And these things are all much more important than the opening scene at Kyle’s boutique which is only of note for Kyle’s high-waisted denim skirt. And girlfriend wants to take all that long-butted denim to South Hampton to open a Kyle by Alene Too (Three?) pop-up shop, and she’s invited the rest of the gals along for the ride.

While they’re still on the West Coast, though, it’s time for everyone else to meet Erika Jayne and Erika Jayne’s luscious ponytail. Kyle strokes it so lovingly when they meet, Erika probably didn’t even notice that a lock mysteriously went missing afterward. Yolanda and Erika meet up with Kyle for a walk so that Kyle and Erika can be set up as future “fun-girl” friends, but mostly so Kyle can float the idea to Yolanda one more time that she once thought she was really sick, but it turned out to be debilitating depression following her mother’s passing. No takers though — try as they might, these people simply can’t stop talking Yolanda out of her Lyme disease diagnosis. In fact, Yolanda is about to travel to Ohio to have her silicone breast implants removed after discovering that they’ve leaked into her chest cavity and arms. I truly hope that the procedure can improve her health, but if these women log anymore hours in Ohio, Kyle is going to have to open up a Skyline Chili by Alene Too.

For now, Canada is still the hot ticket in town (what is happening in Beverly Hills???), and as everyone knows, you can’t head to America’s Hat without first getting your “hoo-hoo” waxed on national television. We have invited Lisa Rinna into our homes, and in return, she has invited Eiko, her personal bikini waxer of 17 years, into her home, stripped down to her finest Semi-Annual Sale G-string, laid down on her stomach on the carpet of her bedroom, and exposed us to one of the more specifically censored blurs I’ve ever seen on television. It was … it was really something. Certainly no more surprising than Lisa Vanderpump trying to buy Doritos from a vending machine with a crisp Benjamin while visiting Eileen on The Young and the Restless, but definitely more … intimate.

But this whole episode, for all its watery poops and waxed buttholes, has really just been boiling down to the moment when Eileen spills last week’s Munchausen beans to Yolanda, and at that moment we have arrived. With Erika fully inducted into Kyle’s Long Hair Over 40 club, it’s time for her to meet the rest of the gang, and the RHOBH producers waste no time in setting up what is sure to be Erika and Lisa Vanderpump’s ultra-glam rivalry. Ever the Regina George of Bravo High, Lisa compliments Erika’s bright pink pumps and then demurs, “You know that belongs to me right?” Erika is hardly fazed, however, as she’s wearing a $189,000 giant Cartier diamond panther ring on her finger, and she likely lost the need to feel human emotion years ago.

Everyone is shocked by Yolanda’s reveal that Bella and Anwar have both also been diagnosed with Lyme disease, but when she tells Kyle, “We could maybe find Lyme disease with you,” Kyle more or less responds, Don’t threaten me with a dramatic time. And even though they have an actual “disco queen” with a private plane in their midst, all Lisa wants to talk about is Ken’s libido, which brings discussion of Ken’s birthday party, which brings the conversation around to Taylor: Yolanda heard that she was talking smack to Lisa Rinna at Ken’s party about her Lyme diagnosis. Eileen takes this opportunity to relay Rinna’s admission of guilt last week for engaging in the skepticism, and offers up to Yolanda that all kinds of people have been questioning her, apparently thinking that it would be better to hear that from them rather than out on the cold, hard Malibu streets. Yolanda, however, does not want to hear that; it’s not like Eileen to purposefully cause trouble, but she likely just got herself in some hot wax water with her bestie.

Ultimately, all is well, though, and do you want to know why? Because Yolanda Queen of Lemons is finally at one with her lemon orchard. After all the unrest, we get a sweet, sweet glimpse of that sour fruit when all of Yo’s beautiful children and her adorable mother descend on Malibu to make grilled cheese dippers and have the crap scared of them. Yolanda’s mother helps pick the lemons, Anwar butters the bread, Bella does the toasting, Gigi carries the pot of boiling soup up the steps to the orchard picnic, and Yolanda provides the lunch’s reading material: her will. The kids are not happy with her for implying that something bad could happen during her surgery, but Yolanda says she simply wants to be sure that they’re all taken care of.

That’s where the episode ends, but presumably everyone stared at some lemons afterward to calm their nerves. Sound off in the comments with your favorite Hadid children, ranked by cheekbones, and see you next week in South Hampton!

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