Tim Stack
April 21, 2015 AT 10:48 PM EDT

In honor of the return of The Real Housewives of New York, I’m wearing a large turquoise statement necklace, eating a Skinnygirl nutrition bar, wearing Yummy Tummy shapewear, and guzzling some Ramona Pinot Grigio. I’m like the Voltron of Real Housewives ancillary products. If only Sonja Morgan’s damn toaster oven had come out, I could bake a couple Hot Pockets.

The last time we saw the ladies of RHONY they were ducking Aviva Drescher’s prosthetic leg. And yet there is zero discussion of it when we first see them again. It’s like Aviva was just a horrendous dream sequence, much like that terrible final season of Roseanne.

Instead the primary focus is on the return of alum Bethenny Frankel who took time off for her own Bravolebrity series, a talk show, and, based on paparazzi photos, some fun trips to Miami. Bethenny’s marriage to Jason Hoppy has since fallen apart, although the pair still don’t seem to be officially divorced. He is living in their gorgeous Tribeca apartment, which means she has to slum it in the Essex House Presidential Suite. To make matters worse, this giant, luxurious suite is where she’s supposed to run her business!! How can she do that?! I mean they don’t even have martini olives! Her troubles are almost Dickensian. Thankfully, she also has a place to stay in the Hamptons and will call ahead for olive placement.

The only other Housewife that Bethenny interacts with in the premiere is Luann. Bethenny plans a casual evening in the Presidential Suite with only items from her brand. We never see it, but I’m assuming there is Skinnygirl toilet paper in the bathroom. Naturally, Luann arrives at the Presidential Suite in a chunky necklace. That shizz is called elegance and that is learned. Meanwhile, Bethenny just can’t catch a break: Her pants are too long. Assistant #2 has not gotten them hemmed as announced and it’s too late once the Countess arrives. WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WEARS LONG PANTS TO A FAKE COCKTAIL PARTY?!?! Later, I’m assuming this assistant is forced to hand clean the plates of Skinnygirl hummus and dips.

Luann has a new home in the Hamptons and is eager for the girls to all come out for a visit. She tells Bethenny and then announces this over dinner to Carole, Heather, and Kristin. Luann is once again wearing jewelry large enough it be seen from the Empire State Building and a slightly too young motorcycle jacket. One person potentially not invited to Luann’s new spot? Sonja or “Sawnya” as Luann pronounces it. As with previous seasons, there is Luann’s pronunciation of this name and then everyone else’s. In any case, Sawnya and Luann still aren’t getting along after Sawnya’s facialist gossiped about the Countess and Sawnya didn’t stand up for her.

NEXT: The facialist returns

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