Nicole Weingart/Bravo
Sean Evans
October 27, 2015 AT 02:20 AM EDT

I hope you all channeled Shannon “Lemon Bowl” Beador and fixed yourself a nice tall glass of vodka…alongside a separate glass of ice chiseled from the crest of the Rocky Mountains…accompanied by two dozen lemons and limes, hand-selected by citrus connoisseurs before being flown in via private jet. Because part one of the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion show needs some spicing up.

The more mundane updates:

Shannon gave herself a home colonic before this taping, and no part of the apparatus remained inside of her.

Meghan’s gone brunette.

Vicki may or may not have taken four Xanax to cope with the reunion.

Hayley Edmonds has graduated high school and earned a dull round of applause from the Housewives.

Andy Cohen received “an unprecedented amount” of viewer mail as a result of this season.

The women have still not reached agreeable terms as to what “working” entails.

Alexis Bellino is alive and well and has access to email. (More on this in a second.)

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The issues that have not changed:

“Money is a big deal to Vicki.”

Vicki’s belief that it’s her place to comment on Meghan’s parenting. Again she trots out, “It is different when you have your own [children].” Andy brings up being adopted, which is “okay” because Vicki has two adopted sisters, though she’s sure “my mom had a different liking for them.” (This is where you cringe and take a deep gulp of your enormous vodka concoction.) “But [the disparity] was never talked about. We were all equal,” Vicki says. “I don’t know how it works. I don’t have adopted or stepchildren.” At least you’re admitting you’re clueless, Vicki.

Vicki’s allowed to give her daughter a car and still able to criticize Meghan for giving Hayley one because “My daughter is educated.” Yikes. “[Briana] works full time, and she’s married. My children appreciate money.” Heather points out that Vicki probably shouldn’t make sweeping judgments such as this, though Vicki pays her no mind. 

Meghan and Tamra are soul sisters. Tamra’s stoked that Meghan says what she’s thinking before Tamra can. “We speak the truth; we go to great lengths to find the truth,” Tamra says, though she thinks Meghan could learn not to try so hard to prove people wrong. “Because you will look like an ass. When you give up and let it go, they will bury themselves.” Then the newly baptized Tamra, who must not realize that her house is made entirely of glass, throws a stone made of shade and calls out “Gretchen [Rossi].” Ah, the sweet irony.

There’s nothing wrong with treating a restaurant’s menu as merely a list of suggested ingredients, as Terry Dubrow jokes Heather does. It’s perfectly acceptable to compose your own ludicrous order, no matter where you dine.

Vicki stands by her “advice” to the naked sushi girl: “Get educated.” Andy mentioned the amount of flak that comment drew on social media, prompting Vicki to add she “got a lot of pluses on Twitter. I got a lot of resumes for my insurance company looking to be interns.” Meghan can’t resist trolling her: “Sushi girls?” (No.) Vicki gets out her shovel and digs herself deeper. “I don’t expect everyone to have an office job,” Fun Bus says, “but it was beneath her, based on what she looked like. She looked like a beautiful girl.” So…only ugly people should demean themselves by having sushi on their naked bodies? And only beautiful people deserve an education? What are you really trying to say here, Gunvalson?

NEXT: Vicki’s convinced she started the Housewives franchise

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