We start out at dinner with Heather Dubrow, Meghan Edmonds, and Tamra Judge in a fancy-schmancy restaurant when the waiter comes over and asks if they’d like a beverage that contains alcohol. Heather shoots this man a look as though he just asked if she’ll continue to need air to breathe. Of course they want booze, silly servant. What a perfect segue for Heather to talk about something she loves more than ordering drinks: herself and her forthcoming sparkling wine! (I refuse to name it here since I don’t want to give Heather any free marketing.)
Everything’s set for the wine’s launch party up in Napa and Heather can’t wait to have everyone crowd around her and also talk about Heather. Yay! Meanwhile, Meghan’s still droning on about the number of times she’s had to move houses, the tally having risen since these same lamentations in prior episodes. She’s “hashtag over it,” and does the motion with her hands again, continuing to demonstrate she doesn’t understand how hashtags work. Oh, Meghan. Have you not seen the Jimmy Fallon sketch that mocks people who do precisely what you’re doing?
Back to dinner. Everyone had fun at Vicki’s party the night before (last week), but Tamra and Meghan think Shannon was being awkward. It’s mostly because Shannon hates younger, prettier women who have spoken to, looked at, or been in the same zip code as her philandering husband David. We’re treated to a clip where Meghan calls Shannon about some charity event that Meghan’s hosting that Shannon hosted last year. Shannon pulls the ultimate Ron Swanson by pretending not to know Meghan’s name and briskly hurries off the phone. Post-call, we’re also treated to Jim Edmonds chastising Meghan like she’s a child he never wanted. It may be a fun drinking game to take a large gulp every time Jim Edmonds is an ass to his wife. Have a large carafe handy. You will need refills.
Shannon’s watching Vicki pack for a forthcoming journey to Florida and listening to Vicki yammer on about how great Vicki is. Vicki’s getting an award, which she loves since Vicki REALLY loves being acknowledged. Uh, we know. You’ve been on a TV show for 10 years. This award show is like the “Oscars but for insurance people,” she tells Shannon. That sounds more dull than the year Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosted the actual Oscars. Shannon asks Vicki to opine on the jaunt to Napa with Tamra and Heather, but Vicki’s packing. She can’t focus on Shannon’s words or feelings. She’s got to get a “rather loud” g-string into her bag! It’s crucial “to have good panties on because if you get in a car accident, the first thing they do is take off your pants and top and make sure [your underwear] is matching,” Vicki says. May Vicki never work in a triage unit. Back to Shannon. Vicki’s advice? “Have fun. Whoop it up!” Though, did Shannon really expect a meaningful response?
All the ladies arrive at the private jet terminal for the flight to Napa. Tamra, Meghan, Heather, Shannon, Katie Hamilton, and Lizzie from last season all climb aboard and are treated to what I can only assume is Meghan’s latest find on Pinterest: hand-painted wine glasses for everyone. Those glasses ain’t empty for long. This ride is the perfect time for Katie and Tamra to talk about how Tamra found the Lord after someone in Tamra’s workout class said, “God reached out and he wants you to go to church.” So, naturally, she went and loved it. Now, Tamra knows what you’re thinking: “She’s going to church because she’s done so many bad things and she wants to look good. But I’m saved! And if you don’t like it, you can suck it.” I think Tamra needs to pay closer attention to the “turn the other cheek” axiom.
Meghan’s also religious but hasn’t found a church that isn’t “boring or chintzy,” which makes me wonder what Meghan thinks the word “chintzy” actually means. She’s “not there to spend the whole Sunday” with all the singing; she needs some open time for Jim Edmonds to berate and degrade her. They all clap when the plane lands because they are the kind of women who do that.
Heather’s off to meet her vintner to test her hooch while the rest of the flock heads to the hotel. Tamra thinks the resort looks like the White House, which can only mean Tamra thinks every house that is white is the White House. The husbands arrive and we get a wide shot of the group before moving into a closely-cropped shot of Katie Hamilton, necessary to exclude her now ex-husband Josh who clearly didn’t want to be a part of this circus. They’re all waiting on Shannon and David, who are in a tiff in their golf cart taxi. David whines that he didn’t do “anything wrong today!” and I love the fact that he has to add “today.”
They continue to fight in that reserved, passive-aggressive way couples who have been through too much therapy do, and David asks the driver to turn the cart around. I’m not sure where they’re headed, but I doubt the cart has enough of a charge to make it all the way to another couples retreat replete with poorly painted Styrofoam gravestones. Turns out David arrived angry due to rush hour traffic and, when David’s angry, that reminds Shannon of the beginning of his affair, so she gets angry. Shannon really needs to get a divorce. They eventually make it to the bus where Shannon lies about having “eyelash issues” to excuse their tardiness.
NEXT: Let’s learn some French!