It’s moving day at Jim Edmonds’ home. And Jim Edmonds’ mom is there! So obviously Jimbo will tone down his rampant misogyny, right? Guess again. While mom and his child bride Meghan look on, he packs a particularly full drawer, prompting him to announce, “This is what happens when you have too many females who don’t throw anything away.” Mom is unfazed by her son’s blatant hatred of the fairer sex. So is Meghan, who tells us, “There are never any compliments during moving; no one’s saying positive things, like ‘You look beautiful.’” A big round of applause to Meghan and Jim Edmonds who have both managed to look utterly delusional within the first 30 seconds of this episode.
According to Meghan, Jim Edmonds doesn’t do much when it comes to the moves, and allegedly believes “there’s a magical fairy that packs and unpacks boxes.” News flash, Meghan. They are not magical fairies; they are called movers and you can hire them pretty easily. The irony is that her words are dubbed over footage of Jim Edmonds actually moving things, while the only thing Meghan’s managed to lift is a grande Starbucks cup and her phone. Then she prattles off all of the things she “does” to help with the move, though from where I’m sitting, it seems like all she does is whine and talk about moving. All of this has Meghan “totally stressed out.” A pity party of one, methinks.
Meanwhile, Shannon Beador is putting her private cell phone number to use by calling Meghan. Whaaa? “I hear you had a good party,” Shannon begins, passive-aggressively. Meghan’s surprised to hear from Shannon and cannot let the Napa blowout go. They both say pleasant words while making unpleasant faces at their phones. However, Shannon’s invite to a Bunco party at her home is her way of extending an olive branch, though she has to come out and say “I’m extending an olive branch here,” since Meghan still does not understand. If only we could give each an actual olive branch and let them duke it out. (Hint, hint, Bravo execs.) The call ends with Meghan telling Shannon she looks forward to Shannon “proving” that she’s sorry and has let everything go. Shannon hangs up and walks out of frame, muttering words to the effect of, “The balls on that a–hole.”
Tamra Judge and Vicki Gunvalson are in a spa or some establishment that will allow them to wear robes AND give them free alcohol, so they are just peachy. They’re talking about grandchildren, which has been a tremendously boring storyline for Tamra this season. Can we please stop dwelling on how being a grandmother will “change” Tamra? Grandkid or not, Tamra’s still going to dress like she shops at Forever 21, she’s still going to talk like a rude 14-year-old boy, and she’s still going to get fall-down drunk. I’d almost rather listen to Meghan talk about moving than Tamra and Vicki talk about being grandmothers. ALMOST. Time for their couples massage. Tamra admits that she will do anything to keep looking young, which includes being slathered with marshmallow goop before being bound in plastic wrap. After this weird treatment, you need to shower off, and we’re unfortunate enough to see a nude, marshmallowed Vicki from behind. And I’ve just poured bleach in my eyes.
Heather Dubrow brings her kids to get hair cuts. She used to take the kids to a “classic kids haircut place,” but at some point, you simply need to get a GOOD haircut. So here we are, presumably in some $75-a-head salon, watching Heather point out each one of her small daughter’s split ends. We learn the kids are bummed at the fact that Terry’s not around because he’s working so much. Yeah, Heather. Someone needs to pay for that
solar system home you’re building. She reminds us that Terry has a TV show, too! For those unfamiliar with his small screen work, we’re treated to a clip wherein Terry describes how a woman’s vagina was pulled up to her belly button after a botched surgery. I now want to pour bleach in my ears. Heather’s frustrated “on a practical day-to-day level to have to be everything to everyone.” Je suis desole, madame.
Shannon’s glowering in the mirror as she gets ready to call Meghan again. The undercurrent of nastiness has edged out the formal pleasantries this time around and Shannon gets to the heart of the matter. She’s upset by Meghan saying she needs to prove herself. After her scolding, Meghan sniffs, “Okay, you don’t have to.” This pleases Shannon, who curtly replies, “Hopefully we’ll see you tomorrow, Meghan. Buh bye.” Shannon sits at a desk for these two calls and I wonder if this desk solely exists just so Shannon has somewhere to sit while making these pointless calls. Again we’re treated to Shannon’s true thoughts after she’s off-screen: “She’s a f—ing thorn in my side.”
Vicki and Brooks have invited Lenka, a health coach, over to the house. Lenka is not a fashion coach, evident by her bright pink tights coupled with her bright green shirt. Did anyone tell Lenka that just because you have “coach” in your job title, you do not need to wear athletic apparel? Lenka’s focused on ridding one from chemicals via plant-based food, Vicki informs us. Buckle up kids, because this is about to get hilarious. Brooks says they’ve been “on this journey” with Lenka for four months, through three rounds of chemo, and the results so far “haven’t been good.” So Brooks, why are you continuing to pay for this? Vicki says “I’m no doctor and I don’t know how to cure cancer, but if I did, then there’d be a cure.” A brilliant thesis statement. She should put that on top of her résumé and ship it off to Sloan Kettering.
Lenka, who is also very much not a doctor, believes in “starving the cancer” by essentially starving Brooks, according to Vicki. Even raw salads are off-limits. So, uh, what precisely are Lenka’s treatment methods? Welp, there’s one where “we take shoes off and go on grass and we lay down and look at sky,” Lenka says in a Russian accent. Or there’s a “Forest Shower. You go into wooded area and breathe fresh air and absorb.” I hope they are not paying Lenka in actual currency for this. They could also try “Whoop Cleansing,” where Vicki would drink a whole bunch of tequila and just scream “Woo!!” at Brooks’ body over and over. I want to throw bleach at Lenka.
NEXT: Shannon brings up David’s affair for the umpteenth time.