Welcome back to The Voice Premiere Week, or, Eat It, Britney: a play in three acts.
We begin with a brief recap of last night’s Season 3 debut. Songs were sung; tears were cried; everyone was freaked out by the sight of Cee Lo sans shades. Each coach acquired two singers over the course of the episode, leaving only a couple hundred spots left on every team. Will these superstars manage to catch ‘em all, snagging enough talent to launch a full-scale melisma offensive against Cobra Commander Simon Cowell and his army of hitmakers? Not tonight – but by episode’s end, Cee Lo, Christina, Blake, and Adam are all well on their way. Well, except Adam.
First up: Pretty waitress Adriana Louise, who has Gwen Stefani-red lips and glorious Disney princess hair. But like most Disney princesses, Adriana also has a tragic back story – when she was nine years old, her family was held hostage at gunpoint. (Adriana also purchased her first Christina Aguilera CD when she was nine. Coincidence?!) She does a rendition of Jessie J’s “Domino” that’s alternately sultry and kind of yelpy. The song inspires all four judges to hit their big red buttons – clearly, that hair’s power can be felt even through the back of a chair. As the panel bickers, Adriana takes great pleasure in revealing that she knows their names: “You’re Christina Aguilera, and you’re talking to me.” “Adam Levine is begging me for something.” Maybe she’s trying to describe the blind auditions for any truly blind viewers at home? In any case, she ends up going with Xtina, who does an adorable victory dance once she locks Adriana down.
“Later, our coaches continue to compete for the singers they want,” Carson helpfully explains as we head into Commercial Break Numero Uno. (Spanish: it’s relevant tonight!)
Casey Muessigmann’s last name sounds a lot like “music man” when pronounced aloud – leading me to hope he’d break out a cover of “(Ya Got) Trouble.” Alas, he elects instead to go with “Sweet Home Alabama,” a song that somehow hasn’t appeared in a jukebox musical yet. From his cowboy hat to his noisy boots, Casey has “Blake” written all over him – and though Shelton and Green both turn around for him, Casey chooses his fellow country boy. Probably also because Cee Lo clearly terrifies him.
The skinniest tie in sartorial history belongs to Aquile, a biracial musician who learned guitar when his jaw was wired shut. (Your move, Kanye.) Imagine what he could master if confined to a full body cast! Aquile’s smooth, polished take on “Your Song” is so silky that Blake and Christina turn for him right away. By the time he throws himself into one last glory note, Cee Lo has pressed the button as well. Adam praises the kid’s “unique, rich, buttery consistency,” which reminds me how much I would love some creme brulee right about now. In the end, Christina’s flirtatious overtures – “I kind of want a private concert, to be honest” – win Aquile over, and he joins the pop star’s squad. Please, please let him show up for the battle rounds sporting bedazzled jaw wires.
NEXT: MacKenzie Bourg, silver-throated boy wizard