Sarah Caldwell
April 14, 2015 AT 10:26 PM EDT

The night starts with Oklahoma native Blake Shelton and his wife Miranda Lambert singing “Over You.” Both have tears in their eyes and it’s a deeply moving and personal performance. Across the screen reads “To help disaster victims please donate to or 1-800 HELP NOW.”

After the performance, the live portion of the show begins. Before we talk about the results, your regular Voice-cappers have seriously been watching like a billion hours of this show, so I’m stepping in tonight (and tonight only, probably). If you miss Samantha, check out our SYTYCD recap.

We start with Team Shakira performing “I’ll Stand By You.” Shakira looks like she belongs in a rock opera in the best possible way! Her sparkly boots and dramatic outfit make a huge impression. It’s the least staged of the three performances, but really stresses that Shakira loves and stands by her team. I guess what I’m saying is if they brought back Duets (we can only dream and write letters), Shakira would be great on it. Also, no one doesn’t love some good pyrotechnics.

Oh look, there’s Michelle Rodriguez and Vin Diesel (could they have a new movie coming out?). Diesel — wearing sunglasses, of course — mentions that he and Michelle have been interviewed by Carson for so many years now. Carson glares and sneers, “Don’t you EVER bring up my TRL days again, Diesel. EVER!” Just kidding, he just later makes a joke about the sunglasses (It. is. on.). Diesel also giddily announces that everyone is invited to the Fast and Furious 6 premiere tonight and then, as I was about to press “purchase” on my ticket to California, he clarified: everyone in the audience. What up Fast & Furious 6 trailer directly after this part of the show? Marketing!

Now it’s that time in the show where Carson asks all the coaches how they are feeling. Adam is confident, as he should be. Shakira calls herself a “lioness” when it comes to protecting her own. Samantha mentioned this in her last recap, but Shakira’s hair is AMAZING! She legitimately looks like a beautiful lion and on behalf of curly-haired girls everywhere: Shakira, I salute you.

Usher is really nervous and if I were either of his team members I’d say “Dude, at least fake it a little.” Blake has no time for playing games with Carson and says that he’s getting “ulcers, nausea, and diarrhea.” That’s, you know, one way to get people not to talk to you.

Confessional time! Most fun part of this show! Carson asks If today were the day you had to give up singing… what would you do instead? Sheryl Crow would be a professional motorcross racer. Sarah Simmons would make her own sushi. Cee Lo would be a male exotic dancer. Pharrell would be like Willy Wonka with a chocolate factory and then just “add in, like, girls.” At the end of this Shakira goes full pretzel (to huge cheers from the audience).

FIRST TWO SAFE ARTISTS: Danielle Bradbery (duh duh duh duh duh) and Judith Hill (interesting)

The winner of these three minutes is Sarah Simmons who, instead of giving in to the dramatic pausing in revealing each name, just straight-faces it and shows no emotions. You go girl! Fight the system!

Team Blake performs “Mountain Music.” Where’s Holly Tucker’s plaid shirt? It’s a little Chuck E Cheese band in terms of staging, but these guys are incredible country artists (with a capital C) and Danielle predictably kills it. She’s safe after all. She should celebrate!

NEXT: Couches on the stage! Madness! Madness I tell you!

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