CAT-uh-gry (n.): A category.
All clear like Crystal Pepsi? Good! New cat-uh-gries this season: We’ll have Teens (ages 12-16), Young Adults (17-24), the Groups like last year, and “25+” a.k.a. all those old, tired bitches L.A. Reid can’t bring himself to care about. The judges narrowed the field from 60 to 24 at the top of the episode, then pretended to argue on the phone about the groups they’d be mentoring. Basic stuff. No one was buying it. Thanks a lot, you torture artists, for never explaining WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PANDA.
We traveled to Demi Lovato’s downtown L.A. loft with brick walls and girl furniture (of course the contestants assumed the apartment belonged to L.A. Reid) and Simon Cowell’s Miami manse, seemingly on a private island but more likely on a separate planet with just a Truman Show-esque wall depicting the Miami skyline. Demi got the Young Adults; Simon got the Groups. We’ll see everyone else sing tomorrow, but here they are for the record:
The Teens (mentored by a wincing – in delight? so hard to say! – Britney Spears): Beatrice Miller, James Tanner, Carly Rose Sonenclar, Diamond White, Reed Demming, and Arin Ray.
The Olds (mentored by a stank-faced L.A. Reid): Jason Brock, Daryl Black, David Correy, Tara Simon, Tate Stevens, and Vino Alan.
One last shot of Simon Cowell looking glum about his horrific ocean view…..and here we go!
Jennel Garcia: Pretty muted compared to last week’s hairographied lap dance, thanks to one of the many scripted Demi Lovato Anti-Pep Talks (sponsored by Pepsi, oddly) of the night. Basically Demi told her “Don’t flip your hair” and of course Jennel flipped her hair during “I Kissed a Girl” because what else is there to do during that song? Demi’s cheeks puffed out in disappointment. And suddenly Jennel had died. Brutal.
Willie Jones: This was a good idea, to sing “Nobody Knows” – the song he’d bungled with Tate Stevens during Boot Camp – on a stool. The stool is always a good move, I say. You get to appear emotional just by sitting there, all alone on a stool. And since you can’t move, it’s impossible to oversell it, really. Of course, what the hell are you supposed to do with your hands on a stool? Willie Jones took a note from American Idol winner Phillip Phillips and started slowly stroking his own thigh. Not too vigorously, not yet. There is time. Anyway, he didn’t mess up and got away with some all-too-literal gestural interpretations of the lyrics. I’ve liked him ever since he openly wept at Boot Camp. He can stay.
Jillian Jensen: On its own, I think her rendition of Sara Bareilles’ “Gravity” was worth a spot in the final four, but instead of speaking frankly about that, Demi and big-time celebrity guest Nick Jonas had to run through another script. Demi “advised” Jillian to show more personality onstage, so she did, assuming the role of “generic Kristen Wiig SNL character in severe pain.” Wrong move, girl! “I think she took our advice a little too much,” lamented Demi. HOW DARE SHE FOLLOW MY ADVICE. Meanwhile, after glancing down at his own Pepsi-soaked copy of the script, Nick Jonas said he thought Jillian Jensen was sexy.
Does that make you horny?
NEXT: Are we human or are we leopard?