Vivian Zink/Bravo
Stephan Lee
December 01, 2011 AT 07:00 AM EST

After using up every last Frito in San Antonio last week, the chef-testants were forced to uproot themselves from the storybook orphanage that is the current Top Chef manse and drive on over to Dallas. Let’s get one thing clear: Dolly Parton is from Tennessee, not Dallas, okay, Beverly? Beverly, while referring to Dolly, made a gesture I can only assume signified the country singer’s iconic boobs, and I was offended. Ms. Parton bears her heavy upper carriage with grace.

Now that there are only 14 chef-testants left — are we really only so far along this season? — we’re starting to get a better idea of who they are. Ty-lör has a boyfriend, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. I identified him immediately as an otter, which last I checked is a hirsute gay man who is not rotund — not to be confused with a bear, who does tend to be hefty. (There’s an entire matrix of body-hair density, body-mass index, and age that matches gay men to their corresponding fuzzy animals.) Speaking of which, Handsome Chris revealed a deep, dark secret: He used to be a bit of a chubster. I found this hard to believe, but see for yourself:

Not that he was bad-looking when he was storing those extra cookies. He lost 70 pounds after his “friends” made fun of him after an unflattering photo shoot in the Chef Works catalog. I feel new admiration and sympathy for him at the same time.


In the middle of the highway — where Beverly routinely does 360s (on purpose?) — the chefs were stopped by a Texas state trooper and led to a desolate cornfield where dead bodies may or may not have been buried. There, Padma and guest judge John Besh introduced the Quickfire Challenge, which had them cooking ingredients found in outdoor survival kits.

NEXT: First Padma, now John Besh … What’s with Handsome Chris’ ideas of sexiness? It always involves hair blowing in the wind, super-white teeth, and sometimes a horse.

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