John P. Johnson/HBO
Mandi Bierly
September 12, 2011 at 07:30 AM EDT

True Blood

TV Show
Current Status
On Hiatus
run date
Stephen Moyer, Anna Paquin
Sci-fi and Fantasy, Drama

I’m confused: On paper, this episode has the makings of a killer season finale: Multiple deaths, a hot Jason and Jessica sex scene, a moment of Bill and Eric shirtlessness, and Pam lines we’ll be quoting for days to come. So why am I underwhelmed? I think it’s because Marnie walking off with the other spirits like it was the end of Field of Dreams was anticlimactic. We all guessed Sookie would choose to be with no one after Gran told her there was nothing to be afraid of being alone. We didn’t get an answer to why that fairy wanted to have sex with Andy last week. And while other teases — Russell’s escape, vampire Steve Newlin’s arrival, and Rene’s warning — have us looking forward to season 5, they were equally vague and unsatisfying in the present. Let’s dig in…

Over breakfast, Jesus told Lafayette that if he wanted to live a magic-free life, he was cool with that. Jesus finally figured out Lafayette was possessed by Marnie, and Larnie stabbed him in the hand with her fork. Next we saw Jesus, he was tied up in the living room and trying to tell Lafayette, whose magic Marnie called potent but clumsy, to fight her. “Call me bitch again, boy, and I’ll cut out your eyeball and feed it to you,” Marnie told Lafayette, holding a knife to his face. He’d feel the pain, she wouldn’t. She wanted Jesus’ magic, which he said he’d gladly give her, but he didn’t know how: “You can’t trade magic like f—in’ Pokémon cards.” When she took the knife to Lafayette’s chest, he suddenly remembered. When his face changed to the demon, Larnie stabbed him, licked the knife, and the demon head was on Lafayette’s body.

Over a morning cup of coffee with Tara — it was nice to see them behave like two normal friends, if only for a minute — Sookie talked about wanting to sit on the porch with her grandbabies on her lap, and Tara said she hoped she could sit on the porch, too. I’m usually so attune to foreshadowing like that, but after seeing Terry Bellefleur live through episodes after spouting ominous lines, I guess I gave up. I didn’t think the episode would end with Tara getting shot in that kitchen. Sookie went to Merlotte’s, and we found out it was Halloween when Terry and Arlene proudly showed off their zombie costumes and Arlene’s daughter revealed she was dressed as Jenelle from Teen Mom 2. Arlene’s kids are still my favorite on the show, but Emma earned points for how she answered Arlene’s question about what she was: She was either a shapeshifter like her mommy or a werewolf like her father, who’s dead. Sam and Sookie made up when he realized she hadn’t been showing up for work because skinwalker Tommy had fired her. I guess Sam’s been busy, too, and didn’t have time to fill the position. But seriously, Merlotte’s is like the only restaurant in town, and we know there’s a lot of women in Bon Temps since Jason Stackhouse has slept with them all, so Sam should be able to hire someone more reliable than Sookie Stackhouse.

Anyway, Sookie put on her bunny ears and a low-cut T-shirt and went back to work — until Alcide showed up and she took a break. He was thinking about that conversation they’d had before about how if they were each smart, they’d have fallen for each other. What if their hearts can’t be trusted, and to keep from making the same mistakes, they should listen to their heads? I see nothing wrong with following your head when what’s behind door No. 3 looks like that, Sookie. He wants them both to be done with the drama (which would be bad for the show) and her to think about what he said while doing her best not to get herself killed. He also wanted to steal a glance at her cleavage. Alcide got a call and had to go to one of his construction sites — which is when we saw a hole in the cement floor of a parking garage and a chain that had been around Russell. See you in season 5, Denis O’Hare!

NEXT: “I liked you better when you were brain-damaged.”

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