Lacey Terrell/HBO
Lanford Beard
June 11, 2012 AT 05:00 AM EDT

True Blood

TV Show
Current Status
On Hiatus
run date
Stephen Moyer, Anna Paquin
Sci-fi and Fantasy, Drama

As much as things changed during last night’s season premiere, much returned to the status quo. For example, Eric certainly changed his tune quickly, no? Straight from “F— Sookie” to f—ing his sister. Yes, Truebies, Eric Northman is back to his old tricks, so to speak. And in the throes of a bromance with Bill. Who saw that coming? Then again, vampires are nothing if not opportunists. Which brings us to where things began…

We picked back up right where we left off: Blood everywhere. Specifically, seeping from a shotgun dent in Tara’s head and all over King Bill’s office walls. He and Eric made quick work of the clean-up, which was all for naught since The Authority had already arrived to capture them for murdering Nan Flanagan. More on that later… A shop, skip, and a jump away, Lafayette ran down to Sookie’s kitchen to find Sookie cradling Tara. Pam, thinking Sookie could mend her relationship with Eric, stumbled on this scene. She was ready to dip out, but Lafayette devised the brilliant (read: desperate) idea for Pam to turn ol’ hole in the head Tara into a vamp. Naturally Pam was less than into the idea, but Sookie promised to use her “magic hands and super snatch” not only to bring Eric back to Team Pam but also for an indeterminate future favor. That is going to come back to haunt Sookie, for sure. Opportunists, see.

Sookie and Lafayette buried Pam with Tara, but of course Pam didn’t go into the ground quietly. When Sookie accused her of not trying hard enough, she snapped, “I am wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y’all. If that’s not a demonstration of team spirit, I don’t know what is.” Oh yes, my friends. Said sweatsuit was lemon yellow and adorned with a picture of a kitten batting at butterflies in a flower bed. It was glorious. After the last patch of dirt was spread over the vamp cocoon, only the waiting remained.

Back to Eric and Bill, who were trapped in the trunk of an Authority Wagon. Whether the silver netting or the speakers blasting “Silly Love Songs” was greater torture, it’s hard to tell. Either way, they had to escape, so they grabbed an umbrella and jiggered a way to blow up the car. Of course the Authoritarians caught up with them almost immediately, but the male Authority figure was ambushed by his associate and delivered some swift True Death. The rogue agent, it turned out, was Eric’s “sister” Nora. He greeted her with the special handshake of Godric’s progeny — a kiss that looked like he was eating her face and the kind of sex you’d have if the world were ending. (Bill: “Might want to keep the noise down in there. New Orleans is only 60 miles away.”) Family bonding time is important, y’all!

NEXT: “I love you, Jason Stackhouse.” The person who said that is not who you think

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