The second season of Bachelor In Paradise drew to a close last night — and it ended with a Neil Lane ring. (Major spoilers ahead, if you haven’t seen last night’s episode.)
After only three weeks together on the beaches of Mexico, Tanner set aside his final rose for Jade, dropping to one knee instead and proposing.
“I love you, Jade, and I want to keep on loving you for the rest of my entire life,” he told her. “Will you make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?”
I’d like to start our final Paradise recap with a question: If you forced Chris Harrison to eliminate either “shocking” or “dramatic” from his vocabulary, which would he choose?
Regardless of the answer, it seems we’ve made it through this season’s “shocking” and “dramatic” moments — Ashley I’s tears, Sam’s lies, and Justin’s sweat — to arrive at the end of paradise, where the women are still hung up on what just happened to Carly, and the men are ready to focus on the fantasy suites (if you ever wondered about differences between the sexes).
I’m going to be honest with you all: This was my favorite episode of Paradise this season, and I say that mostly because it provided the sort of drama that I usually get from Shonda Rhimes’ shows. And if we’re being completely honest, I’m a little heartbroken. Kirk and Carly seemed to be two of the more genuine people on the show, and now I’ve lost all hope in love. (Not really, but it’s certainly not helping things.)
It’s not often that mother nature gets involved in our lives. Most of the time, she keeps to herself, does her own thing, and we all just live in her world. But it’s evident that she couldn’t stand by and watch this Bachelor in Paradise nonsense any longer. So she grabbed a jellyfish and stung Juelia with it, proving that even the best of the paradisers need to make a change in their approach to life. Honestly, if that jellyfish sting isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.
Well, I have good and bad news heading into our next-to-last week in paradise. The good news is that there are significantly fewer crabs in tonight’s episode. The bad news is that, in their place, there’s even more of Sam and Joe. And at this point, I think I’d prefer the former to haunt my dreams.
We pick up with Joe being a “heartbroken dumb—” about the fact that Sam accepted Justin’s date. But he isn’t a heartbroken dumb— for long—well, at least not the heartbroken part.
Well, if you all thought last night was all about Joe and Sam, I have great news for you: Tonight is all about Joe and Sam. And you know what? Next week will probably be all about Joe and Sam, because clearly, this show hates us.
We pick up in paradise with Tenley teaching Carly about synchronized swimming, which proves two things:
1) This show will air anything that allows them to use a black box. 2) There really isn’t anything to do in paradise.
Before we get into the action of this week, here’s a quick refresher on where we left off:
“Get the f— up here you little piece of s—,” said JJ to a very unlikable Joe.
And you thought all these crabs were crabby, amirite? (Seriously though, why are they climbing the walls?!)
Sadly, however, JJ’s crabbiness dissipates almost immediately in the instant that Jared asks him to calm down. If only someone had insulted his outfit like Clint did, maybe we at least would’ve gotten some JJ-on-JJ violence. (Not that I’m promoting violence or anything.)
Everyone, say aloha to Mexico, because we’re back in paradise, where Sam and Joe have somehow surpassed Ashley I. to become the least appealing people on this show. Also, men suck, and Juelia and Ashley S. have found real friendship. Need I say more?
Okay fine, I will. We pick up with Juelia attempting to warn Sam about Joe, the guy who will tell you that he feels “so much feelings for you” before changing his mind. (And if he really does say that, every woman should walk away now.)
Hey guys, sorry I wasn’t around on Monday, but much like Clare, I just needed a second to myself to really think about what I’m doing with my life. I mean, am I too old to be writing Bachelor in Paradise recaps? Can I really see myself finding happiness here?!
Thankfully, I didn’t need Chris Harrison to talk me off the ledge. In fact, all I really needed was seeing Jorge—the bartender/savior of the show. Now that is a man I’ll support each week.
What, what, what the Chris-B-Harrison-hell are the unnamed bartenders serving these Bachelor rejects in Sayulita? Some of Joshua’s special coconut water must have filtered into the Keystone Lite keg because everyone in Paradise has gone total nutters.
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