If this were a Disney movie, Caila would be the princess, Jared would be the prince, and Ashley is the woman who’s so in love with Jared — but after he leaves her to be with Caila, she’ll have a change of heart and decide to dedicate the rest of her life to becoming the evilest queen in all the land.
I’m going to be real with you all: If I have to watch Ashley I. try to talk through her tears for one more episode, I’m going to pull a Chad and start threatening people. Never have I seen someone cry so much, nor have I seen someone look so painfully constipated whilst doing it. I’m done with all of it, as is Jared, who starts the episode by telling Ashley he’s going to invest in his relationship with Caila, and Ashley has to deal with it.
Do you hear that? It’s the sound of shock and awe as the couples (and Ashley I.) wake up to learn that Vinny and Izzy, the success story of Bachelor in Paradise’s season 3, are thinking about calling it quits. Thanks to Brett and his traveling lamp, Vinny is currently waiting outside Izzy’s bungalow to see if there’s any way he can talk his girlfriend out of dumping him for another barber.
Remember when you were a kid and your brother decided it’d be funny to wake you up by throwing ice-cold water on your face? Or your mom burst into your bedroom screaming, “Get up! We’re late!” And from that point on, you knew it was going to be a bad day.
Well, that’s what this episode reminded me of. When the first sound I heard was Ashley I. sobbing, it was as if paradise had slapped me in the face. No wonder Jared is thinking about going home.
We start tonight with an altogether confused discussion. Yes, I mean confused. Just as Caila and Jared are in the middle of discussing how she’s only been in paradise for a day and yet it feels so much longer than that, Jared says, “Time flies in paradise.” Somehow, I don’t think those two conversations line up.
I hope you all enjoyed your weekend, because if you, like me, forgot how last week ended, allow me to remind you: Evan, quick to rebound from Carly, is on his way to try to pry Amanda’s lips away from Josh’s and win her over with a fake date card. The biggest twist? The date card actually works!
Listen, there’s not THAT much to do in paradise. So sometimes, you’re left alone in your room with nothing to do BUT count your abs. Sure, it usually doesn’t take people so long to count to five, but hey, it’s Daniel’s world and the rest of us are just living in it. (Just kidding, that would be a nightmare.)
Now that we’ve had some time to reflect on things, I feel like we learned a lot from Chad’s brief stay in paradise: Alcohol is bad; in no context is saying “I want to murder your family” a funny joke; and last but not least, yes, a Chad Bear does shit in the woods (of paradise).
After last night’s Bachelor in Paradise premiere showed Chad Johnson offending so many people that he was asked to leave, Johnson took to Twitter to try and right at least one of his wrongs.
Less than 24 hours ago, we were watching Jordan and JoJo get engaged, and now, we’re watching Chad literally s–t his pants. Let’s all take a moment to think about what we’re doing with our lives.
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