Bachelor in Paradise fans can return to the show’s drama-filled shores once more. ABC has renewed the Bachelor and Bachelorette spin-off show for a fourth season, the network announced Tuesday evening during After Paradise.
Well… We made it. We survived Hurricane Chad. We survived the tsunami created by Ashley I.’s tears. And now we’re rewarded with three happy couples, one breakup, and a whole lot of sweat. Let’s get into it one last time this season.
We start with Carly and Evan’s morning after. Wearing matching robes that not-so-subtly imply they did the dirty — they’re naked under there! — they get ready for their final day in paradise as Carly admits she would say yes if Evan proposed, even after he rhymes her name with Marley, Barley, and nothing else.
Does anyone else feel like this season of Bachelor in Paradise is a bit of a revolving door? As soon as one newbie arrives, someone else decides their journey to find love has been a complete waste of time. Surely the dude driving the rejection SUV is tired of shuttling sobbing girls from the tree house to the aeropuerto, right? This episode was no exception; cast members were dropping like flies.
If this were a Disney movie, Caila would be the princess, Jared would be the prince, and Ashley is the woman who’s so in love with Jared — but after he leaves her to be with Caila, she’ll have a change of heart and decide to dedicate the rest of her life to becoming the evilest queen in all the land.
I’m going to be real with you all: If I have to watch Ashley I. try to talk through her tears for one more episode, I’m going to pull a Chad and start threatening people. Never have I seen someone cry so much, nor have I seen someone look so painfully constipated whilst doing it. I’m done with all of it, as is Jared, who starts the episode by telling Ashley he’s going to invest in his relationship with Caila, and Ashley has to deal with it.
Do you hear that? It’s the sound of shock and awe as the couples (and Ashley I.) wake up to learn that Vinny and Izzy, the success story of Bachelor in Paradise’s season 3, are thinking about calling it quits. Thanks to Brett and his traveling lamp, Vinny is currently waiting outside Izzy’s bungalow to see if there’s any way he can talk his girlfriend out of dumping him for another barber.
Remember when you were a kid and your brother decided it’d be funny to wake you up by throwing ice-cold water on your face? Or your mom burst into your bedroom screaming, “Get up! We’re late!” And from that point on, you knew it was going to be a bad day.
Well, that’s what this episode reminded me of. When the first sound I heard was Ashley I. sobbing, it was as if paradise had slapped me in the face. No wonder Jared is thinking about going home.
We start tonight with an altogether confused discussion. Yes, I mean confused. Just as Caila and Jared are in the middle of discussing how she’s only been in paradise for a day and yet it feels so much longer than that, Jared says, “Time flies in paradise.” Somehow, I don’t think those two conversations line up.
I hope you all enjoyed your weekend, because if you, like me, forgot how last week ended, allow me to remind you: Evan, quick to rebound from Carly, is on his way to try to pry Amanda’s lips away from Josh’s and win her over with a fake date card. The biggest twist? The date card actually works!
Listen, there’s not THAT much to do in paradise. So sometimes, you’re left alone in your room with nothing to do BUT count your abs. Sure, it usually doesn’t take people so long to count to five, but hey, it’s Daniel’s world and the rest of us are just living in it. (Just kidding, that would be a nightmare.)
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