Well, if you all thought last night was all about Joe and Sam, I have great news for you: Tonight is all about Joe and Sam. And you know what? Next week will probably be all about Joe and Sam, because clearly, this show hates us.
We pick up in paradise with Tenley teaching Carly about synchronized swimming, which proves two things:
1) This show will air anything that allows them to use a black box. 2) There really isn’t anything to do in paradise.
Before we get into the action of this week, here’s a quick refresher on where we left off:
“Get the f— up here you little piece of s—,” said JJ to a very unlikable Joe.
And you thought all these crabs were crabby, amirite? (Seriously though, why are they climbing the walls?!)
Sadly, however, JJ’s crabbiness dissipates almost immediately in the instant that Jared asks him to calm down. If only someone had insulted his outfit like Clint did, maybe we at least would’ve gotten some JJ-on-JJ violence. (Not that I’m promoting violence or anything.)
Everyone, say aloha to Mexico, because we’re back in paradise, where Sam and Joe have somehow surpassed Ashley I. to become the least appealing people on this show. Also, men suck, and Juelia and Ashley S. have found real friendship. Need I say more?
Okay fine, I will. We pick up with Juelia attempting to warn Sam about Joe, the guy who will tell you that he feels “so much feelings for you” before changing his mind. (And if he really does say that, every woman should walk away now.)
Hey guys, sorry I wasn’t around on Monday, but much like Clare, I just needed a second to myself to really think about what I’m doing with my life. I mean, am I too old to be writing Bachelor in Paradise recaps? Can I really see myself finding happiness here?!
Thankfully, I didn’t need Chris Harrison to talk me off the ledge. In fact, all I really needed was seeing Jorge—the bartender/savior of the show. Now that is a man I’ll support each week.
What, what, what the Chris-B-Harrison-hell are the unnamed bartenders serving these Bachelor rejects in Sayulita? Some of Joshua’s special coconut water must have filtered into the Keystone Lite keg because everyone in Paradise has gone total nutters.
Honestly, at this point, if the ocean could talk, I’m pretty sure it’d say that it was jealous of the Iaconetti family’s tear ducts, because there seems to be a limitless supply of water there. (And unfortunately for us, that comes with an unlimited supply of snot.) So with that in mind, I’d like to welcome you all back to paradise, where crabs run free, and the only paradise-like thing seems to be the open bar.
If any television show is self-aware, it’s Bachelor in Paradise, and the series’ new opening demonstrates just that.
EW has an exclusive first look at the show’s new intro, which will change every week to include the ever-evolving cast. Featuring “Almost Paradise” from the 1984 film Footloose, the intro embraces everyone’s on-screen identity. There’s Ashley S, who catches a coconut—because onions don’t exactly grow where they are—Jillian lifting a log, and Chris Harrison reading his own book, to name a few.
Tonight, I have to start by giving this show props, because that opening was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Jillian lifting a log, Lauren providing a realistic portrait of what it’s like to “model” on the beach, and Chris Harrison reading his own book? Now this is something I’d watch an entire hour of.
Well guys, it’s been an entire six days since the Bachelorette finale, and for your sake, I hope no one around you used the word “journey” during that time, because we’re already back at it with season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise.
Everything begins in Sayulita, Mexico, where after the first two minutes, we’ve already seen more of Chris Harrison than we did in all of Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette. Rocking his checkered shirt on the beach—I blame JJ for that—Harrison informs us that we’ll all be attending a wedding later today.
It just doesn’t pay to be “the other guy.” In The Bachelorette’s July 27 season finale, Kaitlyn Bristowe handed her final rose to personal trainer Shawn Booth—leaving software sales exec Nick Viall a two-time runner-up on ABC’s dating-competition series.
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