”I’m a problem solver. A rock ‘n’ roll MacGyver.” —Bret Michaels
Donald Trump hates Bret Michaels. Yes, it’s true, he has put the Poison frontman through to the finals, but look at the evidence! He tried like hell to fire Bret after the Harry Potter challenge, but was foiled when his reality TV goldmine Rod ”Your Technology Scares and Confuses Me” Blagojevich refused to bring Bret back into the Boardroom. Then, last week when Cyndi and Holly were attacking each other in the Boardroom and Bret did what Trump always tells people to do when two other people are arguing — stay quiet!
Reality television has introduced us to a lot of magnetic, electric personalities, people whose charisma leaped off the screen and turned them into national sensations. Richard Hatch ofSurvivor was the first, of course, to be followed by Big Brother’s Dr. Will, Bachelor Bob, The Apprentice’s Omarosa, Charla from The Amazing Race, Project Runway’s Christian Siriano, and I would even make a special case for crazy, bug-eyed Toni from Love Cruise/Paradise Hotel. These are people you simply couldn’t take your eyes off of.
Let’s just get it out of the way right now: How awkward would that have been if Donald Trump had fired Bret Michaels last night? The rock star is clinging to life, in critical condition after suffering a brain hemorrhage. It’s a scary, scary situation, and it made me really apprehensive about watching the latest episode of Celebrity Apprentice. How can we possibly have fun and enjoy ourselves watching two hours of the silliest television program ever recorded when one of its contestants is fighting for his life? But then it hit me: This is Bret Michaels we’re talking about!
Rain makes corn. Corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky. But more than that, whiskey makes me want to watch two hours of Celebrity Apprentice. And two hours of Celebrity Apprentice makes me want to drink whiskey. Which in turn makes me want to watch more Celebrity Apprentice. It’s an insidious cycle, people! I’d say this is how I spend 95 percent of my time — chugging whiskey and watching Donald Trump fake-fire people. Well, maybe 87 percent. Actually, more like 70 percent.
Welcome, young adventurer! Welcome! It is I, Headmaster Blagojevich! Prepare yourself for a world of magic and sorcery. Hop aboard the Hogsnorts Express as it transports you to the Wizened World of Happy Porter! That’s right! And I hope you brought your schoolbooks with you, for your first stop in the Wicked World of Hammy Potted is here at Hogsnorts, where you will be enrolled in one of four classes. You may find yourself in Slythering, or perhaps even Ravencloth. Who knows! No, seriously, who knows? I can’t remember any of this stupid kid’s crap.
What the hell?!? Where did all the celebrities go? We started this week’s episode with 10 contestants, but next thing you know, everyone decided to play hooky. Sharon Osbourne claimed she was too sick to compete. Oldest excuse in the world. Michael Johnson claimed he had a ”personal matter” to attend to and therefore had to leave. Oldest excuse in the world. Cyndi Lauper said that she had to go meet with the President of the United States to celebrate a new law being passed. Oldest excuse in the world.
Hillo, my nime iz Rod Blagojevich. Daulton aksed me to typpe a few wordsssssss thanking you fooor waching me on Celebrity Aprince. Unfortanuely, it jst took me thrree hours to typpe that frssst sentemce. Män, typping is hard, ispecially when I ca’nt figure out how to ussse the spill check/ I mena, speall check.+? I mean, spell check. See that just took anouther eight hours. Now, im’ almost as tired as me good friend Darryl Somethingorother. Okay, g@tta go”. Rimember, im’ innosent!
You know, I have to admit: I was nervous when I decided to start recapping Celebrity Apprentice. Sure, I’ve been recapping Survivor for years, but could I handle the urban jungle as deftly as the island one? Last week went pretty well, I think, and I sure do appreciate all the kind feedback, but I couldn’t get past the nagging feeling that there was something missing. Did I forget to harp on the hilarity of Cyndi Lauper dissing Trump’s wife? No, I had that in there.
I’m a broken record. For a few years now I’ve been screaming about how Celebrity Apprenticewas the most wonderfully absurd television show in history. I’ve told friends. I’ve told family. I tweeted Celebrity Apprentice screeds to followers (you can be one too @EWDaltonRoss— nice plug, eh?).
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