First of all, it’s just cruel to show us John Ross in a super hot suit this episode and next week, put him in prison orange. (Not the face, Venezuelan inmates!) And secondly, as much fun as it is to see the Ewings against each other, I’m looking forward to seeing them turn on Vicente. Let’s dig in.
I was worried when J.R. said he was leaving town last week. But after seeing him in Vegas, I permit him to stay there as long as he likes. He’s tan, his laugh is louder (being near Cliff Barnes is good for him), and he has three spa girls at his beck and call. (“Ladies, help me!”) I wouldn’t have picked him for a manicure man, but then again, if any man’s hands are dirty… Let’s dig in.
This episode of Dallas is the only thing that rivals Downton Abbey when it comes to delivering news via written correspondence – the deed, Marta’s letter, J.R.’s power of attorney, whatever the Ewing family document was that Rebecca is now hiding from Tommy. Here we go…
I know I promised that I’d break these recaps down into who’s screwing who, but before we get with all the backstabbing this week, CAN WE DISCUSS THAT COW? There’s no way you could miss the analogy because they did everything but use a telestrator to draw an arrow on the screen connecting Christopher – who confessed to Bobby that he can’t stop thinking about what could’ve been with Elena even though he knows a good man doesn’t leave his new wife – and that pregnant cow whose calf had punctured her uterus, caused massive internal bleeding, and couldn’t be turned.
That sound you heard was Dallas fans breathing a collective sigh of relief that no one in the world’s poshest barber shop had the balls to ask JR Ewing if he wanted his eyebrows trimmed. NEVER! It may not be smart to put a pool table in the middle of a room lined with barbers wielding straight razors – how many times a day do they get hit in the back by a pool cue? – but it was brilliant to start the episode there, with JR finishing up his deceitful son John Ross’ shave. “I loved my daddy, and I respected my daddy,” JR said while sliding the blade across John Ross’ throat.
Does CBS wish it had never heard the words Kid Nation?
When CBS transported 40 whippersnappers ranging in age from 8 to 15 to New Mexico, the purpose of the project was to watch youngsters build an adult-free society. They cooked their own food, washed their own laundry, used outhouses, and even cleaned their own kitchen. And that’s how one participant on Kid Nation (premiering Sept. 19) came to mistake a water-and-bleach solution for ginger ale. He thought it tasted funny, so naturally, he asked three friends to take a swig.
They were announced with great fanfare. Anticipated breathlessly, blogged about furiously, and drooled over mightily. Then… nothing. Just a state of Geekus Interruptus. But never fear, dear readers: EW has put out an All Points Pop Culture Bulletin on projects ranging from Ben Stiller’s CBS comedy to the new Fugees CD. We’re not promising that the answers will thrill you — but hopefully they’ll at least provide sweet, sweet closure.
Looks like the film version of the ’80s soap Dallas has its spurs stuck in the cee-ment. Over the past year, at least 16 A-listers had been eyed for the flick, before producers reportedly corralled — then parted ways with — a cast that included Jennifer Lopez (Sue Ellen), Shirley MacLaine (Miss Ellie), and Luke Wilson (Bobby). Now John Travolta (as J.R. Ewing) is the lone star left standing, a devastating blow to the already troubled production.
1 PATRICK DEMPSEY as Bobby Ewing (over Luke Wilson) Dreamy-dreamy-dreamy-dreamy-dreamy. Where were we?
2 TIFFANI THIESSEN as Pamela Barnes Ewing Tall, proud, and hard as a rock. We’re talking Texas hair, people.
3 DAME EDNA as Miss Ellie Ewing (over Shirley MacLaine) Yes, she’s a man, baby! But that’s one wicked plot twist.
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