TV Show

Hell's Kitchen

''Hell's Kitchen'': On the back burner

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: On the back burner

Ah, my little pickled eggs, I have no idea what made me think tonight was the Hell’s Kitchen season finale, but dammit, I did. And dammit, it wasn’t. And once again, I am painfully reminded that when dealing with reality television, one should never question the producers’ ability to squeeze filler out of even the most stubborn stone. Tonight’s ep, in other words, was largely pointless.

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Gordon Ramsay, Kitchen Nightmares

As even a cartoon rodent knows, there is a right way and a wrong way to cook. Likewise, there is a right way and a wrong way to produce a reality-competition cooking show. There’s a network that believes its target audience might actually be smarter than a fifth grader, and a network laughing all the way to the bank on the premise that they’re not. There is Bravo’s “Top Chef and Fox’s Hell’s Kitchen, and you are what you eat. Welcome to America: A Nation Culinarily Divided.

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''Hell's Kitchen'': Like mother used to make

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: Like mother used to make

Good evening, my little avocado burgers, and welcome to the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen, which I’d like to open by complimenting Rock on Rock’s attitude. I know lobotomies have been out of fashion for several decades now, but his transformation from last week’s misogynistic aggressor to tonight’s Care Bear was almost surgically astounding. Just in time, too: Jen was dismissed tonight, leaving Rock and his blond nemesis, Bonnie, as your HK finalists.

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''Hell's Kitchen'': The cruelest cuts

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: The cruelest cuts

Good evening, my little mini-doughnuts, and welcome to the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen, where I’d like to cut the small talk and get right to the point: Oh my God, Julia went home. I don’t know how my broken heart is still beating.

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''Hell's Kitchen'': Leftover night

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: Leftover night

Oh, my little dragon rolls, I am tired tonight. It’s partially from lack of sleep, partially from a total-immersion Harry Potter project I undertook this weekend, and partially from today’s announcement that my arch-nemesis, The Apprentice, will be returning sometime in the not-so-distant future.

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''Hell's Kitchen'': For the seafood lover in you

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: For the seafood lover in you

Greetings, my little chicken skewers, and welcome to the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen. In tonight’s episode, the girls ruled and the boys drooled, and Melissa — having finally achieved the dream of becoming her own category — was such a nonfactor, it was almost possible to overlook the constantly mutating soul patch on her chin and count the minutes until she could be sent home. Which she was. Farewell, Meldawg. Your life seems fraught with peril. Try not to get your hair stuck in a car door.

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''Hell's Kitchen'': Duck, you suckers

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: Duck, you suckers

Good day, my little charcoal briquettes, and welcome to the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen. Before tonight’s episode, I was having the most interesting conversation with myself about whether this show would lack a villain now that Vinnie has schemed himself right out the door. But I needn’t have worried, for Melissa — always so eager to help!

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''Hell's Kitchen'': Taste tests

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: Taste tests

Kind of a mediocre continuation of Hell’s Kitchen tonight, my little pea risottos, as without the human Jell-O salad of Aaron or the rageaholic tendencies of Joanna, it seemed all that remained was a kitchen full of eight chefs who can’t do much of anything right. That’s okay — HK, even on its worst night, is still more entertaining than a sack full of weasels — and now that we’re getting down to the supposedly competent contestants, look for the cooking action to pick up a little.

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''Hell's Kitchen'': Armed-force feeding

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: Armed-force feeding

I apologize in advance for the general lameness of tonight’s HK TV Watch, snorkels: Four days covering Bonnaroo, one smashed rental car, flight delays in Chicago, and lost luggage have deposited me back home in L.A. having not slept for 24 hours and with no pity for our young kitchen contenders who can’t heat up hash browns properly.

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''Hell's Kitchen'': Something's fishy

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”Hell’s Kitchen”: Something’s fishy

Good evening, my little crab cakes, and welcome to the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen, now granted full TV Watch status thanks to your enthusiasm for sharing risotto recipes on the PopWatch blog. For my money, it’s the best reason to look forward to summer (besides, you know, actual summer), and I’m thrilled to be the one able to bring you all the Hott Cooking Action for the next however many weeks.

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