Oh, everyone is just a work in progress, y’all…bless their little hearts. Yes, a few women among the Atlanta housewives may have been involved in three physical altercations in the last three years or can’t quite figure out how to pay their bills on time or accidentally just wore mesh and a bunch of nipple beads onstage instead of real-life fabric. But, you guys, they’re working on it!
What an emotional roller coaster these reunions are. First I can’t stand Kenya; then I bug my eyes out at Porsha; then I can’t stand Kenya some more; then I scoff at Porsha; then I get a quick break to not be able to stand Peter Thomas; and then this damn network called Bravo makes me take sides with Kenya. Which is the worst!
I don’t know what Kim Fields is talking about — this is a totally classy bunch. Just look at all these beautiful blush-toned gowns! And hardly anyone has an entire boob out, except for that breast wedge salad that Kandi is serving, and she basically delivered a baby, started his verified Instagram account, and then hobbled straight over to the Biltmore, so she can do whatever the hell she wants in my book as long as she does it in that lovely sage green. Yes, what an elegant hour this first reunion installment shall be…
Well, wasn’t that just a calm breath of Christmas-tree-scented air freshener before the three-part reunion storm? Other than the trauma of having to see Peter strip down to his Calvins and round second base with Cynthia — for which I will be sending Bravo my therapist’s bill directly — the Real Housewives of Atlanta season 8 finale was a rather mild and uneventful affair.
Listen, I know every episode of The Real Housewives of ATLANTA can’t be in Jamaica, but I’m finding myself missing the constant crackling of jerk chicken on the grill and all those creative ways to pretend mashing a few pieces and mesh and Lycra together makes an outfit. But even if this episode was a little sobering in comparison to all the colorful drama of Jamaica, I guess it was kind of nice to see the women back to work in their hometown again.
It’s our third week in Jamaica with the women of Atlanta, and finally — some fun! And, I kid you not, in between grinding on local dancers with fire in their pants and Gregg running wind sprints toward the jerk chicken buffet, the Housewives were spitting some occasional capital-T Truth.
In the two weeks since the last RHOA episode, the Broncos have won the Super Bowl, Beyoncé released a single to end all singles, Kanye rented out Madison Square Garden for the Kardashians to wear an array of fur jackets, and there have been approximately 1,217 Republican debates. In that same amount of time the Real Housewives of Atlanta have argued about a commercial, deemed it a ‘mercial, filmed said ‘mercial, and then had a wrap party…for the commercial.
Remember how last week’s RHOA was all about righting racial prejudices, appropriate ages to expose children to real-world injustices, and social activism?
Real emotions… social justice issues… complex family dynamics — what is happening on RHOA this season??? Listen, every Real Housewives franchise usually gets a little dicey around the midseason point when they’ve already taken two group trips, had a couple hundred huge fights, a dozen or so make-up lunches, and at least one on-camera colonoscopy. But Atlanta is taking the midseason shift to a whole other level: This is like a twilight zone where very real issues are being taken on by a barely real show.
Well, there’s just not a lot to say about that one, is there? And especially after catching a glimpse of NeNe, NeNe’s teeth, and NeNe’s ice-skater poncho in the “Next Time On,” it’s hard to think of much else. Let’s see…I think in this episode I remember Cynthia casually asking her teenage daughter for advice on her crumbling marriage; I think Mama Joyce threatened to end Phaedra’s life shortly before asking her for baby shower tips; and at some point, I’m pretty sure Porsha was dipping cheese cubes in caramel and eating them. It’s just so hard to recall!
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