Perhaps in an effort to curb teen pregnancy, our nation’s school systems can enlist Ms. Phaedra Parks to lecture students on the horrors of childbirth. “Giving birth is the closest thing next to death,” she explained last night. That’s right kids, don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
It was Dancing with the Stars, Atlanta-style, this week on the Housewives. For Kim that meant a chance to ogle a Falcon’s ass in tight polyester pants. For the rest of us it entailed witnessing Sheree’s attempts at the rhumba, which was kind of like watching a doped-up tiger lumber around its cage making lazy snarls at her captors. Sheree has already confided that she is not a natural dancer. The woman didn’t lie! “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sheree snap her fingers,” said a delighted NeNe. For all Kim knows, Sheree has never even worked a pole.
Last night was all about trust and loyalty—between husband and wife, man and woman, songwriter and her wigged, talentless muse. Oh and Kim asked the audience to believe that her bedroom set was really worth $6,000, and that those sofas marooned out in the parking lot of a strip mall ran anywhere from $5,000 to $10,000 apiece. The prices kept changing as she sipped from her travel mug of hooch. It’s about trust, people!
NeNe, I think you look great. (Except for the fact that all that plastic surgery, and perhaps the stress at home with Greg, has wreaked havoc on your skin.)
Phaedra may well be the most ridiculous Housewife of all time. Exhibit A: Her baby shower. Dwight, who has quickly ingratiated himself into every one of her scenes, grew a garden of white roses, plucked them with his teeth, and arranged them in her hair. She looked like a well-fed fairy maiden styled by a drunken squirrel. On his mistress’ orders, Dwight pulled together a troupe of virgins to dance at the event with strict orders that they were then to be stripped, slaughtered, and pureed into baby food.
Cover your vajajays, girls. That was the takeaway from the White Party. And as Kim herself said, there was a first time for everything.
Kim took to her natural habitat in last night’s episode—walking the streets in wig and shiny tank top. She’s a quote-unquote pop star, and quote-unquote pop stars need to pay attention to their pretty packages. That means health first for this girl. So off Kim and her old friend/new assistant/soon to be former-friend and fired-assistant Sweetie slid into their tightest matching workout clothes and went for a little jog. But jogging sucks y’all, and Kim shouted that exercise makes her hair want to fall off. (Girl, don’t you have a wig line?
For those who sat out last season, let’s have a little refresher from always-punctual-to-the-party Kim Zolciak about what you missed: “NeNe and I got in this big argument and she strangled me. When she did that, I was so upset.” Yeah, I think that about catches you up.
Last night marked the first of Bravo’s three-part Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion, and it didn’t take long for the claws – or the accessories – to come out! Kenya punctuated her every sentence with the flourish of a silk fan, Kandi and NeNe let their enormous engagement rings do most of the talking, and Cynthia gave us a whole lot of front boob.
This season of Real Housewives of Atlanta has been one big battle of the booties, with Southern belle Phaedra Parks and “Detroit Barbie” Kenya Moore going head to head (er, cheeks to cheeks?) while plotting the release of dueling butt-shaping workout DVDs.
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