Hey Jerseyites! Unfortunately I wasn’t able to write a full recap last night due to a personal emergency – or maybe I was too distraught after seeing Teresa fired on The Celebrity Apprentice! – and I apologize, because it was the first eventful episode of the year.
The alarm went off the moment Teresa and Juicy Joe entered their own pizza restaurant. It’s as if the pizzeria were trying to say, “They’re trying to kill me!” The restaurant was in dire straits supposedly because Juicy Joe’s DWI and arrest for false identification kept him away too long. To put it in Teresa’s language of denial, “Joe ‘went away’ for driving under suspended.” I love how Teresa drops essential nouns from sentences when she tries to avoid the real issue.
The fourth season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was about as chronologically complex as a Christopher Nolan movie. At the very beginning, we flashed back to the future to last season’s fiery reunion (oh dear, I’ve gone cross-eyed), where former “fambly” members Caroline Manzo and Teresa Giudice fought like sworn enemies, and Jacqueline Laurita didn’t even show up because she couldn’t bear to face her former bestie Teresa.
Let’s talk about cooking. Hell, let’s talk about Thanksgiving cooking in honor of tonight’s holiday-themed episode. You know how some years you go and buy that turkey, you let it sit in juices, you shove it full of stuffing, and then it’s to-die-for-delicious. And then other years you do it all again but somehow something goes awry and it comes out pretty nasty. That’s how I feel about reality television. The ingredients of media-hungry people + tragic need to share family issues occasionally makes for incredible television.
Happy Memorial Day, NJ Housewives watchers! Did you return early from your barbecues early to watch tonight’s tepid episode in which Teresa tried to make peace with her little brother? Or did you stay out late eating hot dogs and beer and downing all the other ingrediences of a good holiday weekend festivities?
Welcome to Halloween in north Jersey, everyone! I’m not sure if this episode was taped in late October, or if the drama in the Garden State got so spooky that the entire neighborhood decided to put out pumpkins and hang goblins in their front lawns. Or maybe the entire state was reeling from the Gorga baptism so they needed to divert themselves with a good pagan holiday. Newly skinny and skinny-obsessed Jacqueline wasn’t complaining. She just wanted to pretend she had genuine affection for this holiday.
Greetings, Garden State fans! As a born and bred Jersey girl (Let’s hear it for Scotch Plains! Anyone? Nunzio’s pizza? Bowcraft? Okay. I agree, it’s a lame town), I’ll be your tour guide through this season’s insanity. And bongiorno, insanity! I thought that without Danielle (did she really move away as Jacqueline said? To where? Who bought her house?), the show would be a sweeter, calmer Housewives. But after tonight’s jumbo-size premiere, I think we all know that’s not going to happen. Frankly, I’m still kind of traumatized.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Sundays, 10 p.m.
LuAnn’s Separation If only the Count had read his wife’s etiquette book. He informed the Countess over e-mail that he was leaving her for an Ethiopian princess.
NeNe’s Eviction We bet the Housewife’s eyes were poppin’ when she read reports suggesting she was evicted from her Atlanta mansion. (She claims her family simply moved.)
Having watched the latest season of The Real Housewives of New York City with mounting dismay (can someone please just hit Simon in the back of the head with a shovel?), I’m grateful to Bravo for the tawdry reward of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It’s only one state away, but Jersey is, thank goodness, a whole different world.
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