Props to whoever named this episode. While it’s perfect for the episode, it also sounds like an ’80s synth pop double bill, which makes me love it even more. Down to business. Meghan “#ZOMGParentingIsHARD” Edwards and step-daughter Hayley are setting up for Meghan’s game night, though Hayley won’t stick around. “I have better plans,” the teen sneers. “You always say that, then want to go out at 11 o’clock,” Meghan says. Wait, out where? To a bar? Where is this child going at 11 p.m. on school nights??
Shannon “Lemon Bowl” Beador brings us to see Dr. Tim, whose chyron reads “Holistic Specialist.” Oh boy. Shannon’s gained 15 pounds and has now come back to Dr. Tim to hold her belly fat for photos then yelp during simple exercises. Tim hits her “chi center for emotion” in her hand and Shannon suddenly wants to cry. You see, Dr. Tim has just released a flood of bad juju.
Unless you have been more drunk than the RHOC cast this season, you’ve heard time and again how excited Tamra Judge is at becoming a grandmother. This episode is no exception, as we open with her exclaiming, “I’m going to be the hottest grandmother in Orange County!” She’s headed to witness the birth of her grandbaby, though since it’s happening via C-section, she probably won’t be allowed in the room. Her solution? “Strap a GoPro on someone’s head!” I’m shocked Bravo couldn’t finagle some sort of in-utero cam, since they love filming all deeply personal moments.
It’s moving day at Jim Edmonds’ home. And Jim Edmonds’ mom is there! So obviously Jimbo will tone down his rampant misogyny, right? Guess again. While mom and his child bride Meghan look on, he packs a particularly full drawer, prompting him to announce, “This is what happens when you have too many females who don’t throw anything away.” Mom is unfazed by her son’s blatant hatred of the fairer sex.
We open this episode still in Napa where Shannon Beador’s still in the middle of a separation from reality over a phone call about charity from Meghan Edmonds. You know, when Shannon’s kids were in the car?? Well, Shannon’s sure as hell not going to let Meghan paint her as uncharitable. She’d rather be portrayed as childish and immature by clomping away and hiding in a bathroom. So that’s precisely what she does. Heather Dubrow, who catches the tail end of this pointless skirmish, thinks this is like last year at Lizzie’s beach house.
We start out at dinner with Heather Dubrow, Meghan Edmonds, and Tamra Judge in a fancy-schmancy restaurant when the waiter comes over and asks if they’d like a beverage that contains alcohol. Heather shoots this man a look as though he just asked if she’ll continue to need air to breathe. Of course they want booze, silly servant. What a perfect segue for Heather to talk about something she loves more than ordering drinks: herself and her forthcoming sparkling wine! (I refuse to name it here since I don’t want to give Heather any free marketing.)
Heather Dubrow loves to celebrate. She loves theme parties, non-theme parties, or even just a small soiree on a Tuesday. At any fete, you simply must have a fabulous cake, she tells us. Which explains why we begin tonight with Heather at some fancy cakerie asking if the proprietor can make a custom one for her latest excuse to let loose: the Dubrows have developed a sparkling wine! Because of course they have. This cake will need to look like their bottle of bubbly, which won’t be a problem. But getting it to Napa, the site of the bash, might be as these cakes don’t ship well. Egads!
First up on this (rather dull) season premiere of The Real Housewives of Orange County, we check in on Heather Dubrow’s new house as the whole fam walks through. Plastic surgeon hubby Terry must’ve been real busy fixing botched surgeries over on his E! show and this whopper of a manse is proof. It’s so freaking big, the Dubrows have to teach their kids a new word: porte-cochere, which Google informs me is a coach gate or carriage porch, a.k.a. a pointless cover for the driveway that rich people build to show guests just how damn rich they are.
Real Housewives of Orange County begins its 10th season Monday. How does one sum up a decade’s worth of shouting, crying, and backstabbing? “It’s really been a blur,” original cast member Vicki Gunvalson says to EW. “There are some things I wish I didn’t put on TV. I get more private every year. People don’t need to know every little thing,” she says. Eager viewers who dissect cast members’ every glance and word would probably disagree, but Vicki’s quick to assure staunch fans that this season is going to be a great one.
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