Happy Birthday Gretchen, you darling, gracious creature, you. Slade had big plans for her special day and if she played her cards right they might involve extra packets of hoisin from Hunan Wok. Off they went, into a nest of LA traffic, to celebrate on a poor man’s nickel. Recently Gretchen had stumbled down the stairs looking for her boyfriend, and found him painting naked in the garage. Call the exterminator! Ever since Gretchen has been gently encouraging her man to pursue his flippin’ passion.
Remember that one time when Gretchen put on a baseball cap with a bedazzled evil eye and told Tamra she was a total bitch and Tamra was all ‘In my house, are you kidding me?’ and Alexis pulled at the really highlighted section of her hair and Vicki’s whole face twitched like a rabbit? Of course you do because every single episode of this season is a rehash of that non-starter of a fight. Now the whole fracas has been coated with a thin film of pretend Mace and somebody is going to apologize or at least offer to host the next party. (Cellulite removal? Permanent eyeliner application?
Haven’t we already done the episode where Vicki wants the biggest boat in the marina? She’s sick and tired of her family making fun of her all the time for working so hard. How are you going to ride around in the biggest boat checking your email if you don’t work until 1am every night? She’d carved out a full day for relaxation and made sure to coordinate it with the Bravo producers. Ready for fun time, family?
I had such high hopes for Micah after his unflappable handling of Peggy’s neuroses at the pool last week. But he threw me for a loop last night at Peggy’s plastic surgeon’s office. (Hey, there’s nothing contradictory about a holistic yogini Aries former active wear model getting her boobs done again. It’s her prerogative, yo.) Anyways, Micah had a few questions for the doctor about his wife’s “dentectomy.” Would they hold wineglasses? Say wha? Can he keep the removed silicone? Micah, seriously, stop. You know, to juggle with or flip around like boob pizza dough?
Allow Vicki to explain: There are tire tracks on her back. See these tracks? They go up and down her spray-tanned backside, crissy-crossy and around and around. And there’s knife marks back there too, big yawning wounds that are infected by the toxic bile of betrayal. The hotel concierge had to pay homage to her tire tracks. And the lovely women who showed Tamra and Vicki around their Cabo penthouse suite and backed away slowly when the black-clad blondes invited to do tequila shots. And the lovely waiter who had the nerve to bring Vicki what she ordered.
Tamra, you get out of that tub this instant. Blow out the candles, take your extensions out of that sad little pony tail, and get poor Eddie another glass of wine. The boom operator could probably use a drink too, after being forced to bear whimpering witness to what appeared to be actual penetration. In fact the entire Bravo production team should get time-and-a-half simply for enduring Tamra and Eddie’s pre-bubble banter.
Tamra: Hey baby.
Eddie: You’re naked.
Tamra: I’m so naked.
There’s a new pistol-packin’ mama in the O.C., and her name is Peggy. But though she may carry .45-caliber ammo, her verbal bullets are just as deadly—and, as her “friend” Alexis found out, she can play a mean game of “My Kids Are Better Than Yours! Let Me Count the Ways.” Breaking in a new Housewife is never easy. But I think it’s safe to say Peggy entered the Bravo-verse with a bang.
Oh Tamra. Tamra, Tamra, Tamra. You can take the back tattoo off the girl but you’ll never rob her of her scene-hogging, occasionally endearing bitchiness. The bleachest of our blondes is determined to make this season all about her—and her bath tub, and her court papers, and her resolve to shove Jeana into a pool—though she’ll get a close race from Gretchen Christine. With her Beautay line off and running, Gretchen wants to expand into hand bags and then world domination. (Take it away Vicki! “I’m buying Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton.
Is Gretchen Rossi the next Bethenny Frankel?
The sitcom has taken on a new form: I haven?t laughed so hard at TV all month as I did while watching Bethenny Ever After, the joyfully inevitable sequel to last season?s Bethenny Getting Married? Bethenny Frankel possesses a gift for rapid-fire punchlines that, in an earlier era, would have landed her in the writers? room of a comedy sketch series such as Your Show of Shows, where the likes of Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, and Carl Reiner threw verbal elbows.
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