We start tonight with a venue walkthrough. The venue? Vicki Gunvalson’s backyard. The affair? Tamra Judge’s son Ryan’s wedding. “Vicki’s not charging me, right?” Tamra asks. While Ryan and his fiancée scope out a grotto, Vicki and Tamra plop on the couch to discuss the whole drama surrounding the psychic and Brooks’ (possible) cancer. Vicki still doesn’t know what Meghan Edmonds said, because she refused to let Shannon Beador finish a sentence over dinner, so Tamra tells Vicki what Shannon couldn’t.
Shannon and David call their daughters into the living room about the sleepover incident where the girls toilet papered someone’s house. Their excuse? Everyone does it! “Dad said he did it.” “Yes, but that doesn’t make it right,” David says. Let’s hope the girls don’t follow this logic and assume cheating is okay. David now chuckles that he used to throw pumpkins at mailboxes, which is not stuff to tell children, Shannon chides. The kids think Shannon’s being harsh, to which she says, “I’m the queen of fun.” The perfect set up for her daughter to say, “For, like, drinking.” OH SNAP.
After drinking 90 percent of the alcohol on the isle of Mo’orea, Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon are rather unwell the following morning. “I feel like nine miles of dogs—,” Tamra says, climbing into Vicki’s bed while Vicki repeatedly asks her to leave. Shannon, also clinging to life, wakes up in a sea of candy wrappers, while Meghan wakes up cheerfully and chirps that youth has perks, such as not being hungover. Heather barges in because they are all to go scuba diving.
Our Housewives have made it onto the ferry to Mo’orea, where they gallantly decided to reward themselves with some booze! It’s literally been minutes since they last imbibed—at the bar while waiting for this very ferry, if you were wondering—so Vicki Gunvalson rectifies that with a bottle of champers. What, no methode champenoise?? Anyway, the attention’s been off Vicki for a bit, so she reminds everyone she’s the queen bee by gagging like she’s swallowed an actual bee in an over-the-top manner.
Props to whoever named this episode. While it’s perfect for the episode, it also sounds like an ’80s synth pop double bill, which makes me love it even more. Down to business. Meghan “#ZOMGParentingIsHARD” Edwards and step-daughter Hayley are setting up for Meghan’s game night, though Hayley won’t stick around. “I have better plans,” the teen sneers. “You always say that, then want to go out at 11 o’clock,” Meghan says. Wait, out where? To a bar? Where is this child going at 11 p.m. on school nights??
Shannon “Lemon Bowl” Beador brings us to see Dr. Tim, whose chyron reads “Holistic Specialist.” Oh boy. Shannon’s gained 15 pounds and has now come back to Dr. Tim to hold her belly fat for photos then yelp during simple exercises. Tim hits her “chi center for emotion” in her hand and Shannon suddenly wants to cry. You see, Dr. Tim has just released a flood of bad juju.
Unless you have been more drunk than the RHOC cast this season, you’ve heard time and again how excited Tamra Judge is at becoming a grandmother. This episode is no exception, as we open with her exclaiming, “I’m going to be the hottest grandmother in Orange County!” She’s headed to witness the birth of her grandbaby, though since it’s happening via C-section, she probably won’t be allowed in the room. Her solution? “Strap a GoPro on someone’s head!” I’m shocked Bravo couldn’t finagle some sort of in-utero cam, since they love filming all deeply personal moments.
It’s moving day at Jim Edmonds’ home. And Jim Edmonds’ mom is there! So obviously Jimbo will tone down his rampant misogyny, right? Guess again. While mom and his child bride Meghan look on, he packs a particularly full drawer, prompting him to announce, “This is what happens when you have too many females who don’t throw anything away.” Mom is unfazed by her son’s blatant hatred of the fairer sex.
We open this episode still in Napa where Shannon Beador’s still in the middle of a separation from reality over a phone call about charity from Meghan Edmonds. You know, when Shannon’s kids were in the car?? Well, Shannon’s sure as hell not going to let Meghan paint her as uncharitable. She’d rather be portrayed as childish and immature by clomping away and hiding in a bathroom. So that’s precisely what she does. Heather Dubrow, who catches the tail end of this pointless skirmish, thinks this is like last year at Lizzie’s beach house.
We start out at dinner with Heather Dubrow, Meghan Edmonds, and Tamra Judge in a fancy-schmancy restaurant when the waiter comes over and asks if they’d like a beverage that contains alcohol. Heather shoots this man a look as though he just asked if she’ll continue to need air to breathe. Of course they want booze, silly servant. What a perfect segue for Heather to talk about something she loves more than ordering drinks: herself and her forthcoming sparkling wine! (I refuse to name it here since I don’t want to give Heather any free marketing.)
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