May 28, 2004 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 AMERICAN IDOL Critics say the voting system can be easily manipulated by phone phreaks. Hey, if you can’t trust reality show producers and the phone company, who can you trust?

2 SHREK 2 The ogre must visit a place where people are obsessed with physical beauty and which seems a lot like Hollywood. Or a TV newsroom.

3 APPLE What Gwyneth Paltrow named her baby. She narrowed it down from a list including Dune Buggy, Bathtub, and Sprocket.

4 COMMENCEMENT SPEAKERS ”The future is yours.” As soon as the 30 or 40 classes in front of you are done with it.

5 JERRY SPRINGER The talk-show host will be a delegate at the Democratic National Convention. It gives him a chance to catch up with many of his old guests.

6 CANNES FILM FESTIVAL The winner gets the prestigious, career-capping Palme d’Or award. After all, who can forget last year’s winner, uh…

7 SUPERSTAR USA Unknown to the contestants, the ”American Idol”-like judges reward the worst performers. An idea stolen from my stockbroker.

8 ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS It’s the prize you get when your best friend runs off with your wife while you’re in rehab.

9 BOOK SALES PLUNGE Twenty-three million fewer books were sold last year than in the year before. What happened? Grisham take a week off?

10 $1,000 OMELET A New York hotel serves one that uses some of the most expensive ingredients in the world — lobster, caviar, gasoline…

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