October 23, 2012 at 08:22 PM EDT

Two weeks ago, beloved universe-denting tech giant Apple sold its 100 millionth iPad. That might sound impressive. But we all know the sad truth. Around this miserable world, Apple consumers are using their iPads in 100 million different ways — reading books, surfing the internet, playing Angry Birds, playing Angry Birds Space, trying to find the one specific place in their apartment where the Wi-Fi won’t cut out while they use FaceTime, checking Twitter during the presidential debate so they can tweet about how annoying Twitter gets during the presidential debate. And they are all thinking the same thing: “Truly, this iPad is indeed a fine device. But why must it be so grotesquely obese? Would that Apple could create a beautiful new iPad! Would that I could replace this pot-bellied butterball of a tablet with something thin!”

Well, Apple CEO Tim Cook has a message for you. Pick up your iPad — that tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff — and throw it in the trash can. In fact, while you’re at it, pick up all your Apple devices — the paunchy whale known as “The MacBook Pro,” the chunky brontosaurus which used to be so proud to call itself “The iMac” — and throw them in the trash. A mere six weeks after announcing that the ugly duckling that was the iPhone 4 had spent the summer going to fat camp and getting contact lenses and undergoing a special botox treatment that daddy paid for so that it could come back for senior year as the gorgeous swan that is the iPhone 5, Cook took the stage today to announce a whole new lineup of Apple products, each of them so thin that they might as well not be there at all, all for the low-low price of several hundred dollars.

Apple’s Phil Schiller introduced the new lineup one by one. First came the new 13-inch MacBook Pro. “It’s .75 inches thin,” he said, salivating. “Look how thin that is. Beautiful thin base. Thin display.” He clicked a button, and the 13-inch MacBook Pro turned over onto its other side. “Here it is on the other side,” said Schiller. “Equally beautiful from both sides. Everything on it looks absolutely gorgeous.” The crowd roared its approval. The 13-Inch MacBook Pro blushed. It is available for $1699 wherever thin MacBook Pros are sold.

Next came the new iMac. “We’ve had seven generations of iMac,” said Schiller, showing the step-by-step evolution of the desktop computer. Long ago, in the late 1990s, there was a different standard for beauty, and it was okay for an iMac to have some curves. But those days are long gone. Schiller debuted a hot little number that is a mere 5 millimeters thin. “Look at that edge. Just remarkable how thin that design is. 80% thinner than the previous generation. It extends down the entire length…all the way to the bottom. We lovingly call this the chin,” he said, lovingly grabbing the iMac by the chin and presenting it to the crowd. The audience clapped and clapped and clapped. The new iMac shed a single tear, but no one saw it. Prices start at $1299; it will be available in November.

But this was all mere prologue. Schiller happily introduced a fourth-generation iPad. The fourth-generation iPad features a wide variety of improvements on the third-generation iPad which you just bought last week, including a new chip and much faster Wi-Fi and a whole host of other improvements you can’t possibly care about unless you’re rich enough to afford a new iPad twice a year, in which case maybe you should find a new hobby, like fishing or something. But the fourth-generation iPad only had a moment on the stage before Schiller introduced the real star of the show: The iPad Mini, a cheeky little doll which is just 7.2 millimeters thin.

Schiller was unabashed in his praise of the iPad Mini. “There is nothing as amazing as this,” he said. “This incredibly thin and beautiful iPad mini. Beautiful from every angle. Incredibly thin and light. Would you like to see one in person?” The crowd cheered: Yes, yes, god yes! Schiller produced an iPad Mini. “This is iPad Mini,” he said, addressing the device by its fuull name. “Look how thin that is. Amazing.” Schiller caressed the invisible edge of the iPad Mini. He said, “It’s as thin as a pencil, and as light as a pad of paper.” We are excited to present exclusive video of the audience reaction below:

Just to bring home the comparison, Schiller compared the trim beauty of the iPad Mini to the hirsute Hutt-like Android tablets. “Theirs is made of plastic,” Schiller said. “It’s thicker,” he added. “The whole product is thicker and heavier than the iPad Mini.” Gross! Thicker and heavier? Fortunately, Apple will rescue you from the corpulent tyranny of Android. The iPad Mini is available for pre-order this Friday, October 26. The Wi-Fi devices ship on November 2; the devices equipped with Cellular ship two weeks later, just in time for you to show it off at Thanksgiving when you stuff your face with vegan turkey. The iPad Mini is available for anywhere between $329 and $659, and is the perfect gift for anyone who really enjoys reading but wishes that books weren’t so disgustingly fat.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich


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